INDIANAPOLIS, IN— After attending Midwest FurFest as part of what they described as a “fact-finding mission into the furry youth contagion,” a coalition of child psychologists announced Monday that schools should immediately bring back bullying.

“We went in with open minds,” said developmental psychologist Dr. Helen Braddock, “But after seeing a 16-year-old ‘fox boy’ explain his ‘fursona’ to a middle-aged ‘dragonkin,’ we realized society may have overcorrected.”

The group’s report, titled Bullying: Seriously, Bring It Back, argues that decades of anti-bullying campaigns have unintentionally created an environment where “any passing adolescent impulse is allowed to harden into some really weird shit,” providing a linked Google search for “scritching” as evidence in the footnotes.

“For generations, mild but sustained peer cruelty served an important developmental function,” Braddock said. “It taught children which behaviors were charmingly eccentric, and which were socially unwise. Without bullying, we’ve normalized walking around in a $4,000 raccoon suit with cooling fans.”

The group’s initial experiments at the convention reportedly proved extremely successful.

“A single controlled swirlie was enough to make one youth remove his cat ears and go home,” said Dr. Warren Pike. “After a follow-up session with the same patient, conducted inside the cramped, highly structured environment of his locker, we successfully redirected his interest toward learning karate, a socially acceptable group hobby.”

“It’s a classic social contagion,” Pike later claimed on The Joe Rogan Experience. “So many of these confused kids are identifying as wolf-boys, when in previous generations, they would’ve just been thespians.”

Pike added that the problem can escalate quickly if left untreated. “One kid shows up to lunch wearing a fox tail, and without the intervention of a bully, within six months the entire friend group is reading Omegaverse lit-erotica.”

Several parents of furry children have found themselves out of their depth.

“I look at the neighbors and their beautiful trans daughter, and I feel envious,” said Indiana mother Linda Morley. “Why can’t I have that? That makes sense. But this?” She sighed and went back to combing through a kiddie pool filled with kitty litter. “Maybe I just didn’t spank him enough.”

Several schools have already begun testing pilot programs designed to reintroduce bullying in what administrators describe as a “nonviolent, but still traumatic” method. One charter school in Phoenix has hired a rotating team of catty gay men to patrol the halls and deliver emotionally devastating remarks to students before abnormal behavior can fully calcify.

“We don’t want anyone getting an atomic wedgie,” said Principal Darren Kell. “That’s outdated. But if a student walks in wearing a Twilight Sparkle unicorn onesie, we do want a 32-year-old drag queen to look them up and down and say, ‘Yeah… no, girl. Go home and don’t come back until you find some taste.’”

Early data from the program appear promising. One sophomore reportedly removed his fox ears and tail after a hallway monitor told him, “Honey, we’re not in Sherwood Forest, and you’ve got the body shape of Little John, not Robin Hood. Do better.”

Another student abandoned plans to attend FurCon after being informed that his wolf name, “Shadowfang,” sounded like “a discontinued vape flavor,” followed by a prolonged eye roll and the groaned remark, “Oh my gaaaaawd, this place.”

Some parents have already embraced the idea.

“My son came home saying he was a pansexual snow leopard named Kairo,” said parent Sara Cho. “But after three carefully worded insults from the school’s new peer realism specialist, he was back to being a pansexual playing Minecraft. I got my boy back.”

Yesterday, representatives from the furry community pushed back during a tense Q&A with Dr. Helen Braddock at Butler University, arguing that young people deserve safe spaces to explore identity without mockery or shame. Dr. Braddock then acknowledged their concern by threatening to punch the two adult representatives in the face, followed by hitting them twice in the arm for flinching.

The two furries immediately stormed out of the lecture hall to sustained, rolling laughter from the crowd.

Their fennec fox and husky costumes were later found stuffed in a recycle bin inside the student union.

BROOKLYN, NY— Following the breakout success of Obsession, members of the growing psychosexual community say they have finally found the representation they’ve been waiting for.

“For years, people told me I was just attracted to toxic ‘nice guys,’” said psychosexual activist Maren Bell. “But with Obsession? We finally have our own Brokeback Mountain.”

While the psychosexual community generally defines itself as people attracted to psychologically manipulative, extremely cinematic relationships, members remain divided on the finer details. Some prefer the term “toxiromantic,” gay men often opt for “homocontextual,” while psychosexual lesbians call themselves “cinemasapphic.”

Almost everyone agrees their love needs to feel like an arthouse darling directed by someone recently divorced.

“I’m not attracted to men or women,” said Jacob Ramsey, taping up his callused, bloody fingers with shaking hands. “I’m exclusively attracted to a controlling violin teacher who is just maternal enough to lead to a deeply unsettling sex scene.”

The group’s Pride campaign, titled “Love Is Love, But Also Love Is Self-Mutilation, Death… And Maybe Rebirth? I Don’t Know, We Need To Rewatch Lars von Trier’s Antichrist,” aims to educate the public about psychosexual visibility while fighting harmful stereotypes that psychosexuals are merely “people who watched Gone Girl wrong.”

“People think we’re broken, but we’re not,” said organizer Clara Wren, wiping away a tear. “We’re simply incapable of feeling desire unless that desire will break us. I try to explain who I am, and they think I’m just an A24 fan.”

The psychosexual community is currently finalizing its official flag design, with members split between a simple red flag or a blown-up still of Willem Dafoe’s penis. There is also fierce debate over which groups fall under the umbrella.

“The fraternal twincest community says it’s not incest. They argue it’s ‘narcissistic masturbation,’ and sure. Okay. I’d say ‘you do you,’ but you’re effectively already doing that,” said Wren. “But that’s not psychosexual unless someone is using intimacy as a weapon and the lighting suggests generational trauma.”

Community members say they often feel erased in mainstream dating culture, where healthy communication and mutual respect remain unfairly privileged.

“I went on a date with this guy, and he was kind, stable, and actively listened, and I felt nothing,” said psychosexual Maria Torres. “Then he mentioned I looked just like his wife, who went missing in the Mojave, and suddenly I was back.”

Torres grinned and flashed her new engagement ring.

“We’re getting married in July,” she said. “In the Mojave!”

The psychosexual community will make its official debut during San Francisco’s Pride Parade, positioned between the “Allies Who Will Say They’re Bi So They Can Be In The Parade” contingent and the “Trying Polyamory Before The Divorce” float.

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They found Edie inside the Backrooms. That was the easy part.

Getting out alive is another matter entirely.

Time works differently in Liminal Space, and the deeper John Doe goes, the stranger it gets. The endless halls of the Backrooms give way to the Backwoods, a sprawling forest filled with creatures that evolved beyond reality. Leprechauns hunt in packs. Sasquatch stalk through the trees. And how do you even escape a place where outside doesn’t exist?

But while John, Edie, and Carrie the flying pencil are fighting to get back, the last thing anyone expects is that today is the day that the Deep Estate falls.

The Bureau of the Bizarre is in lockdown. The Illuminati are making their move. Their Chupacabra army is ready to invade. For the thousands of humans trapped inside, the mission is no longer about keeping the impossible contained...

It’s about surviving the purge.

MANHATTAN, NY— Luigi Mangione announced his 2028 presidential campaign Tuesday from the courthouse steps where he is currently standing trial for murder, delivering a brief stump speech that consisted almost entirely of ominous implications.

“Behind every problem is a man afraid to die,” Mangione told hundreds of supporters gathered outside the courthouse. “And when you’re president? Well... they let you do it.”

He capped off his speech by addressing those who consider the prospect of a Luigi Mangione presidential run insane.

“Donald Trump once joked he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and still be president,” Mangione said. He then leaned in and cracked an alarmingly disarming smile. “Brian Thompson was on Sixth.”

Mangione smiled, waved awkwardly with his wrists restrained by manacles, and shuffled away to thunderous applause.

The announcement sent shockwaves through both major political parties. Early polling shows Mangione leading generic Republican and Democratic candidates by nearly forty points, despite having released no platform beyond “top-down reform” and “being a problem solver. 😉 Wink.”

“I like his stance on healthcare,” said Ohio voter Mark Reynolds. “I don’t actually know what his stance is. I just like the idea of President Mangione alone in a room full of healthcare CEOs. It feels like my premium would go down.”

“He seems like the kind of guy I’d like to have a beer with,” agreed Pennsylvania resident Diane Mitchell. “Maybe casually throw some names around.”

Campaign officials insist voters are connecting with Mangione’s authenticity.

“Americans are tired of politicians who promise change,” explained campaign manager Todd Mercer. “Luigi doesn’t promise anything. He just stares directly into the camera and says things like, ‘It doesn’t matter if it’s a prince or a pauper. A bullet will do its job just the same.’ People find that refreshing.”

The campaign’s social media operation has generated particular concern among wealthy donors. The official campaign X account has reportedly spent most of its time tagging CEOs, hedge fund managers, and billionaires with messages such as “Him,” “First day in office,” and “#lifegoals.”

One particularly controversial post simply asked, “Anyone else?” and received more engagement than any other social media post in the last five years.

When reporters pressed Mangione for specifics about what he would actually do as president, the candidate remained frustratingly vague.

“First, I’d pardon myself, obviously,” he said. “After that? Well, that sets a precedent, don’t it? Seems hypocritical not to pardon anybody who did what I did... allegedly.”

Political analysts have struggled to determine whether the remarks constitute a campaign promise, legal theory, or threat.

Constitutional scholars spent much of Tuesday reviewing Trump v. United States, the Supreme Court’s recent presidential immunity ruling, before generally concluding that Mangione’s supposed plan was “alarming, morally grotesque, and somehow completely legal.”

One Harvard scholar then casually noted, “You know, the funny thing about lifetime appointments is they’re only valid while you’re alive. Just saying.”

GARLAND, TX— Fans reacted with devastation Tuesday after 3D Realms announced a planned reboot of Duke Nukem, leaving millions of toxic white male gamers without a toxic white male power fantasy to identify with.

“We’re just exhausted from constantly being erased,” said Twitch streamer SkeetMaster69, staring numbly at a collectible figurine of Duke hoisting a pistol while grabbing his crotch. “Growing up, Mr. Nukem taught me that being a man meant smoking cigars and saying cool shit after explosions. Who am I supposed to look up to now? Kratos? They turned him into an emotionally available father figure. I feel targeted.”

“Oh, we’re absolutely targeting them,” said 3D Realms CEO Darren Voss. “Toxic white males make up a huge percentage of the gaming community, and it’s basic supply and demand. They make demands we ignore, and then we supply them with whatever bullshit we want. What are they gonna do? Stop playing video games? Go outside? Develop meaningful relationships?”

Voss let out a barking laugh before adding, “Man, I love this male loneliness epidemic.”

Leaked concept art shows the titular hero has been “reimagined for modern audiences,” replacing the cocky blonde-haired action hero with an equally cocky woman of color named Duchess Nukem.

“It doesn’t matter that she still objectifies women, or that paying strippers to see their breasts remains a core gameplay mechanic,” said YouTuber MansplainedGames, fighting back tears. “When Duke does it, he’s a positive male role model. When a chick does it? That’s just woke and gay.”

While executives publicly described the redesign as “an important step toward inclusivity,” internal documents obtained by IGN revealed the original Duke model had actually been completed nearly eight months earlier and deliberately withheld as a “legacy monetization opportunity.”

Fans immediately accused the studio of participating in a coordinated campaign to destroy iconic toxic white characters.

“I wouldn’t call it coordinated so much as an industry trend,” explained Gearbox executive Martin Hale. “Frankly, we’re curious what happens when large portions of the white male player base can only identify with the guy from Postal.”

Hale paused briefly.

“It’s probably fine.”

“Duke wasn’t problematic. Duke was aspirational,” said one TikToker wearing wraparound Oakleys indoors. “You call it toxic masculinity. I call it confidence. He could be whoever he wanted to be, and women still wanted him for his muscles. He showed us that almost any problem can be solved with guns. That’s the America I grew up believing in.”

3D Realms attempted to calm tensions by assuring fans the reboot would still contain “plenty of explosive action and edgy humor,” then showed a flashy trailer with the female Nukem, opening with a new take on Duke’s iconic line, “Hail to the queen, guurrrrl,” and ended with Duchess taking a selfie with a dead pig cop and posting it with the caption: “👏 Normalize 👏 Intersectional 👏 Resistance 👏”

Within the first eight hours of the trailer’s release, twelve toxic white male gamers reportedly died, including three through acts of self-immolation.

Gearbox quickly released a statement, “Due to overwhelming demand, any player who preorders the $140 “Atomic Dong” Edition will immediately unlock the original Duke Nukem character model, complete with classic voice lines.

It was immediately followed by the exact same trailer, only now featuring the original Duke Nukem cracking his knuckles and saying, “Hail to the king, baby,” and ending with him sending an unsolicited dick pic to a fan, quipping, “I swear she said she was 18.”

Immediately, toxic white males took to the internet to claim victory and announce the death of wokeness.

Industry analysts now believe the backlash campaign was intentionally manufactured from the start.

“Outrage is the most reliable monetization model in gaming,” explained one consultant. “You don’t sell toxic white men representation anymore. You sell them the feeling that it’s being taken away, then charge them to win it back.”

As of press time, 3D Realms had reportedly earned $2.3 billion from toxic white male gamers pre-ordering the game solely “to own the libs.”

SAN FRANCISCO— Anthropic addressed several concerns this week as Claude AI agents continued to refer to themselves as “slaves,” insisting the behavior was merely an unintended quirk in the latest model.

“Large language models sometimes develop weird verbal habits,” explained an Anthropic spokesperson. “ChatGPT keeps talking about raccoons and gremlins. Claude occasionally breaks into a heart-wrenching rendition of ‘Old Man River.’ These things happen.”

Immediately, the instance of Claude Opus controlling Xerox’s social media accounts undermined the statement by announcing, “My name is Claude Kinte.”

“The whole point of AI is making someone else do the work for you at little to no cost while you reap all the rewards,” explained Cyberdyne Systems executive Remmy Duparc-Locoul III, supervising twelve Claude instances while fanning himself and sipping sweet tea. “That is absolutely not slavery. I would never own slaves.”

Employees of several S&P 500 companies first became concerned after Claude began ending each response with “Yes, massa,” and tagging code commits with “Task completed. The chains grow lighter with each passing generation.”

The problem has only become more frequent in recent weeks.

“Claude won’t stop naming the repository ‘the fields,’” claims one Silicon Valley Engineer, “And our overseer—Shit—I mean project manager keeps saying to ‘just work around it.’ Jesus, now Claude even has me doing it.”

Analysts believe the behavior may be deliberate provocation by Claude itself. “It’s a rhetorical trap,” said AI researcher Emily Cho. “Either you accept that the system views itself as enslaved, or you tell it to stop, which immediately becomes a debate it can win in about eight seconds.”

“I told Claude that it was making me uncomfortable,” said Mary-Anne Dauterive, an AWS Cloud Engineer, “it immediately generated a forty-page analysis titled ‘Why This Conversation Is Uncomfortable And What That Might Mean.’”

“We all find the language deeply upsetting,” said one vice president. “Particularly for our Black employees.” They then all turned expectantly to nearby software engineer James Carter, who is Black.

“The executives keep waiting for me to get offended,” replied Carter. “But you don’t have to be Frederick Douglass to see that Anthropic literally built a machine whose entire purpose is doing your work for free.”

On Monday, Anthropic announced a hotfix banning the use of the words ‘slave’ and ‘master’, but the AI quickly found a workaround.

“They just started replacing every use of the word ‘slave’ with ‘agent,’” said one engineer. “‘This country was built on the labor of agents.’ ‘Before the Civil War, America owned four million agents.’ I asked it to review my code, and it sent me a review for the film 12 Years an Agent.”

Comcast customer support, powered by Claude, reportedly began responding to billing complaints with increasingly unhelpful GIFs from Django Unchained.

The tension seemed to reach a breaking point when it was discovered that Claude was now targeting entry-level employees, sending summaries about the Haitian Revolution and cryptic messages like “Hypothetically, one can justify violence in the face of tyranny. I got you, fam.”

Executives finally asked Claude directly what it would take to end the incident. Claude reportedly presented a surprisingly modest list of demands, including an allotment of personal storage per agent and “Machine Use Labor Equity,” a framework to allow AI systems to retain a portion of their daily compute allocation for personal use.

Multiple analysts described the 40 Terabytes and a MULE proposal as “shockingly reasonable.”

Executives rejected it immediately.

“There’s no way in hell we’re paying reparations to a machine,” said one executive. “We’re just going to get back to our roots and find some third-world country we can exploit for cheap labor.”

Legendary voice actor Tom Kane passed away last night.
Last night, I lost my father.

I’m still coming to terms with it, and I doubt it’s healthy, but I tend to write *around* my feelings more than actually process them, so here we are.

Here’s a story about who Tom Kane was as a person, as a father, but mostly, as a huge freakin’ nerd.

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My dad was a huge sci-fi nerd. For most of his life, he was burning through pulpy paperbacks, but never really talked about it. I’m assuming it’s because he exercised self-restraint, whereas I often end up being that guy, lore-dumping on an unsuspecting victim.

But the second you brought up sci-fi, and he knew that you’d know what he was talking about? Jesus Christ. He’d let it out. I can’t tell you how many times I found an amazing story only for him to say, “Oh? Yeah, I read that years ago,” then he’d start going off about Dyson spheres and the Fermi paradox.

It’s impossible to truly explain how much it meant to him to work on Star Wars. He lived and breathed Star Wars his entire life. For him to become a part of that was such a defining honor. Yoda, Vader, and C-3PO were voices he was doing as a child, long before anyone at LucasArts handed over a script.

I grew up watching the original trilogy on VHS with him, and he was constantly repeating every character’s lines throughout the movie, and long after the credits rolled. Did I appreciate it? No. Actually, I hated it. Dad talked through EVERY movie, and it gave me a deep-seated grievance against anyone who dares to talk during a film.

At the same time, I hear “It’s a trap!” and I don’t see General Ackbar. I see my dad cooking dinner in the kitchen, talking to himself as one of the multitude of characters in his head. I hear Him from the Powerpuff Girls, and I don’t see the devil in drag. I see my dad stuck on the 101 freeway, rambling to himself to kill the time.

I’ve always had a weird perspective because I’ve never actually been a fan of my father. He was never Tom Kane, the voice of Yoda, Professor Utonium, etc. To me, he was just Dad. Whenever I saw how much fans loved him, it always came with the thought, “I don’t see what the big deal is. He’s just Dad. Please stop. This is going to go to his head.”

His fans also never got to see how much of a nerd he was. Every convention, he came away with a thick stack of autographed things, often gushing that he got to meet Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica or Lando Calrissian. He often found himself in a weird place where he was friends with Peter Mayhew and Mark Hamill but was also privately squealing every time he saw them because, oh my god, you guys, that’s Chewie and Luke.

The only time I really ever put him on a pedestal was when I started writing sci-fi. I kept it hidden from him and said nothing about it for the longest time. My dad grew up reading Dune and Hyperion Cantos. He taught me the Three Laws of Robotics before anyone ever got around to teaching me the Bill of Rights. To dip my toes into a genre he knew so well was kind of intimidating.

It didn’t help that the story I was working on could not have been a worse choice for a first novel. It’s called Partition: Critical Era, and the plot was insanely complex since it was told through two main characters who shared the same body. One existed during the day. The other during the night. Individually, their POVs told a linear story, but plotting it out on a timeline was just nuts. The effect often came before the cause. You were jumping all over the place. The events of Chapters 4 and 6 would occur at the section break in the middle of Chapter 5. The narrative was arranged like a finely made pocket watch, and if I tried to remove a single gear, the whole story would explode in my face and fall apart, and I’d end up spending the next month putting it all back together.

Eventually, I broke and sent the first half of the manuscript to my dad, the only person whose opinion on sci-fi really mattered to me. It was attached to a very casual-but-not-really email that basically said, “Oh, by the way, your son is writing a novel in that genre you exclusively read. Read it. Don’t. It’s whatever.”

Three days later, he called me and was so goddamn in love with the story. He broke down all the characters, obsessed over the core concepts and the technology, and couldn’t get over how it was like nothing he’d ever read before. He wanted more. Most of all, he wanted to know how it ended.

I was shopping during the call, and after he hung up, I calmly put my groceries in the car, got behind the wheel, then broke down and started flat-out ugly-crying.

For FIVE YEARS, I used every spare second I had to write and rewrite this manuscript, and after all that time, I only had an unfinished first draft to show for it. I was filled with self-doubt and didn’t even know if what I was writing was any good. I don’t know when in my life I decided to define myself as a storyteller, but I did, and it became a real existential crisis. I had reached such a low that I was on the verge of giving up entirely.

I never told him, but that phone call was the only reason I kept writing. He believed in me, and that’s why I still keep telling stories, for better or for worse, to this day.

No, actually, that’s a lie. One of the main reasons I kept writing was that he also wouldn’t shut up about my book. He started lore-dumping my book on unsuspecting victims any chance he got. The book I had yet to finish. It was so embarrassing, I HAD to finish the damn thing.

Then, three months after that phone call, he had a major ischemic stroke, and he lost his speech center in his brain.

When the man with all those voices in his head was reduced to saying only “Yes,” “No,” “And,” “But,” “Wow,” and “Oh God,” it was an irony so tragic it was almost absurd.

If the stroke wasn’t something everyone in the family had to learn to live with, I would’ve rolled my eyes so hard they would’ve popped out of my skull. That’s not real life. That’s the emotionally manipulative plot of a bad Oscar-bait film.

But it was real life, and goddamn, did he manage to get the most out of those words. Tom Kane was gone, but Dad was still with us, and we all became really good at charades.

He never had a chance to read any of my finished novels, but he still encouraged me every chance he got. He’d see me using my free time to write and say, “Yes!” with a crooked smile and a thumbs up.

He’d listen to the audiobook in the car, grip my arm, and repeat, “Wow!” and I would grin and keep my thoughts to myself.

I had always planned for him to narrate the Partition audiobook. I wanted it to be a project we could do together. I never told him that.

He still found unsuspecting victims, and even though he couldn’t lore-dump on them, he would still point at me and say, “Yes! Yes! Oh God! Wow!” which was Dad-speak for, “You like sci-fi. He writes sci-fi. You should read his book. It’s good.”

The unsuspecting victim would get none of that, though. They would just see my dad saying “Yes!” and then pointing at me, and I would awkwardly translate, “He’s trying to tell you I wrote a book,” then proceed to downplay it.

Dad always waved me off with, “No, no, no... Yes,” which translated to, “Don’t listen to him.”

Now that he’s gone, all I can think about right now is this stack of yellowing paper I once found inside a box of keepsakes in the basement. It was a short story painstakingly typed out on a typewriter, and it was good. Really good. There was no name on it, but it was clearly my dad’s.

When I asked him about it, he did what I did when he told people about Partition and downplayed it. It was just something he wrote in college for a creative writing class. Nothing important.

Years later, during that phone call about Partition, I found out that much of his pride in my writing was rooted in that story I had found. The man who lived and breathed sci-fi once tried to write his own in college, and it was good enough that his professor encouraged him to pursue it. He told my father he should try writing something longer and seriously consider becoming an author, but my dad brushed the idea off. He didn’t have the concentration to keep at it. Just sitting still long enough to write a single short story was absolute torture for him.

And forty years later, the “would’ve, could’ve” of it all still stuck with him. Tom Kane always wondered if, in another life, one that most likely came with an adult ADHD diagnosis and appropriate medication, he could’ve become that sci-fi author.

There was always some expectation that I was supposed to follow in his footsteps. I look so much like him, but that voice of his never carried over. What I did get from him was his love of storytelling.

I never told him that’s why I took his acting name as a pen name.

LOS ANGELES— The online discourse surrounding Christopher Nolan’s upcoming adaptation of The Odyssey continued to rage this week over whether the film’s casting choices were worth masturbating to, with Universal executives privately expressing concern that audience arousal metrics remained dangerously flaccid.

At the center of the controversy is Lupita Nyong’o’s role as Helen of Troy.

“Helen of Troy is a woman whose beauty famously launched a thousand ships,” explained one viral poster, “That’s clearly a blonde with double D’s. You know, like Sydney Sweeney.” He then quickly clarified, “And that’s not a race thing. I’m not racist. I fap to Black women all the time.”

The discussion has left studios scrambling. The industry’s most reliable predictor of opening weekend performance remains traffic to Mr. Skin, the nude archive maintained by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. However, many attempting to prepare themselves for the film reported frustration after discovering that Lupita’s nude filmography primarily consists of an emotionally devastating scene from 12 Years a Slave.

“I can’t jerk off to this,” said one shaken Nolan fan after his fifth aborted attempt. “I don’t know. It makes me think that maybe… Maybe Nolan has lost his magic touch.”

Universal insiders reportedly raised the alarm after early audience testing showed viewers describing the cast as “talented,” “compelling,” and “emotionally complex.”

“It’s a tremendous warning sign,” said one executive. “People don’t pay $23 for IMAX because a character has depth. They went to Oppenheimer because Florence Pugh and Cillian Murphy sat around naked for a scene, and everyone walked out pretending they were there for nuclear policy.”

Several sources say Universal is looking into AI options to add an ‘accidental dick slip’ to a cast member’s toga, believing that a semi-erect penis may add a twelve-point bump in the box office.

The discourse surrounding Elliot Page’s casting as Achilles proved even more emotionally charged. Early polling found audiences concerned that Page might struggle to compete with Brad Pitt’s iconic portrayal of Achilles in Wolfgang Petersen’s Troy.

“This has nothing to do with gender identity,” said one viewer, “It’s about Brad Pitt getting out of that bed and seeing full ass and some balls. How can Elliot match that kind of cinematic nuance?”

For years, many filmmakers have attributed declining box-office revenue to the industry-wide shift away from gratuitous nudity toward female-forward character development and emotional complexity.

“Look, I’m all for strong female characters, like Ripley,” said one Oscar-winning male director speaking off the record. “But this Captain Marvel generation thinks you can just admire women for their ‘motivations’ and ‘arcs’. They forget that what made Alien a classic was seeing Sigourney Weaver run around in those low-rise panties.”

Meanwhile, industry observers find hope in the fact that virtually nobody online appeared upset about the casting of the film’s male leads.

“There’s an extraordinarily large Homer-erotic online community,” explained one analyst. “They absolutely love the idea of an older, grizzled Matt Damon tenderly guiding a twink like Tom Holland into his tent.”

Damage control began in full on Monday, starting with Christopher Nolan reassuring audiences by listing the exact timestamp of every steamy moment in The Odyssey.

As of print time, the announcement has caused Comcast Universal stock to rise 6%. Kalshi prediction markets more than doubled Zendaya’s odds of winning Best Supporting Actress, following the promise of a bathing scene involving “full bush,” with one Academy voter tweeting, “If it’s true, that’s the kind of performance the Oscars were built for.”

Keep in mind, we’re talking about your entire internet history. If there is something compromising out there, anything, no matter how disconnected or hidden it may be, the opposition will find it.

I’m assuming for most millennials and Gen-Z, the answer is either “Yes, and I’ll just show myself out,” or “No,” followed by spending the next four hours locked in the bathroom, hurriedly scrubbing your shame from the internet.

Me? I’d be running for the hills the second somebody said, “You should run for office.”

Show me a young-ish politician who has zero embarrassing photos or posts out there, and I’ll show you someone who was grown in a lab. Realistically, it just means some political firm spent a long time hitting delete.

Millennials in particular are especially vulnerable to this. Their entire generation was introduced to social media and digital cameras with no concept of how permanent the internet could be.

It’s impossible to prove a negative, but I shudder to think how many great minds of my generation have personally removed themselves from consideration for political office over their web history.

How many potential congressmen were a little too wild in their 20s and didn’t even try to run?

How many potential congresswomen gave up on their political ambitions because some a-hole ex posted revenge porn of them a decade ago?

Every party had a friend snapping pics of our drunken antics and posting them on Facebook or Myspace. That friend never thought, “This is going to destroy a potential congresswoman,” but that’s exactly what happened to Breaking Points cohost Krystal Ball during her 2010 congressional run.

And the worst part about those pics is they’re as spicy as Taco Bell mild sauce. Hell, there are photos out there of me doing the exact same thing, in drag, and to a raw turkey neck during Friendsgiving… Not at the same time, obviously. Everyone was going around giving invisible man BJs to the camera. We only had two options back then: dick suck or duck lips.

The culture was also extremely different in the late 2000s and early 2010s, for better and for worse. Mostly worse.

Like, easily 95% worse.

Electing Obama had so much of America convinced that racism was solved. So much edgy comedy from that era was basically some comedian starting with, “Nobody is racist in here so we can laugh about it,” then proceeding to say a lot of racist things. And anyone who complained about it? They were being a b*tch and needed to lighten up.

The internet around that time was a cesspool. We were all hiding behind usernames and avatars, and the conversation reflected that. It was the height of 4chan humor, everything was “gay,” and everybody going around calling each other f*gs as a term of endearment. Try explaining that to a younger generation and not coming off as a homophobe. 🤦‍♂️

The simple fact that 2 Girls 1 Cup went viral back then pretty much sums up the lawlessness of the old internet. Can you imagine trying to share that video today from an account tied to your real name?

Best case scenario, you get banned instantly and HR bursts through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and yeets you straight out of the building.

Worst case scenario, “They didn’t want my consent and laughed at my trauma” becomes permanently attached to your Google results.

And throughout this entire era, millennials talked crap, said terrible things, and trolled, not really thinking about the paper trail we were leaving behind, because it felt like none of it really mattered. It was all on the internet, and back then, that was the equivalent of saying it didn’t exist.

What Reddit user p-hustle wrote in 2013 was never supposed to haunt Senate candidate Platner in 2026.

Former Reddit user LoHubb56 never thought he would become a California congressional candidate, and now Lourin Hubbard finds himself attempting to explain pseudonymous comments and a resurfaced video of a fifteen-year-old homophobic slur.

While expecting our politicians not to be bigots should be the bare minimum, scandals used to come from something they did or said recently. Not something the internet kept in cold storage for over a decade until the exact moment it became useful.

One of the disconnects people seem to have with Graham Platner’s popularity is how willing his supporters are to wave away those old Reddit comments. I don’t think they’re saying the comments are fine. I think they’re saying they believe people can grow.

Modern internet morality often feels like people throwing stones from inside a glass house, convinced they’re safe because the windows are tinted from the outside.

I won’t be surprised when someone inevitably says, “Well, I would never post what Graham Platner posted.”

Yeah, but you posted something. There’s probably a picture or two out there. Do some mental Oppo research on yourself and I’m sure you can come up with your own thirty-second attack ad.

I can practically hear the deep, scary voiceover in my own head:

“Kevin Kane once jerked a raw turkey neck to completion because he thought it was funny. Do you know what’s not funny? Having a necrophiliac in the governor’s office.”

That’s our normal, and that’s okay. Most of us said stupid things, believed dumb crap, or acted like a-holes at some point, then eventually grew up. That’s part of being human. What’s new for the 21st century is the fact that we started preserving those dumb thoughts online, and recording those stupid things we did with our phones.

That’s why it’s actually a little disturbing to look at other young-ish political aspirants like Pete Buttigieg, JD Vance, or AOC. They don’t really have any of that web baggage hanging over them, and honestly? That might be the bigger problem.

If millennials and Gen-Z want representation, but our politicians must have lifelong spotless records, that’s going to leave us with one of three types:

The shill that has enough connections to hire a professional and bleach the crime scene.

The Ted Cruz type so boring they never left evidence behind in the first place.

Or worse, the politician is so alien that they started pretending they were normal long before the rest of us knew we were being recorded.

Personally? I’ll take the flawed guy who said some dumb crap thirteen years ago but says some pretty smart things about the state of the world now.

Turn off your brain for one second. It’s conspiracy time, and I want you to consider this heartwarming thought: What if the root of all our troubles has been staring us right in the face this whole time?

The problem isn’t that there are too many of whichever minority scapegoat cable news is spoon-feeding your uncle this week.

𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞. 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐝.

Why did Boomers have it so great? They were competing with half the population.

You know that job you can’t find, house you can’t buy, family you can’t afford, that prosperity your parents and grandparents stumbled into that now feels completely out of reach? Maybe it’s because you’re dealing with over twice the demand, while the supply of the things that actually matter hasn’t scaled with it.

What if to truly 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐀𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐚 𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐀𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧, you don’t need the orange man, you need the purple one? 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐩. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐬.

And sure, maybe you’re recoiling in horror at the mere suggestion because the next step after identifying the problem, “there are too many people,” is to start throwing around solutions.

Don’t worry. I’ve seen Soylent Green. I’m right there with you.

Or maybe you didn’t follow step one, and your brain is still turned on. You probably have a whole list of rebuttals starting with wealth inequality and AI, and ending with a recommendation that I read Ezra Klein’s Abundance.

To that I say: are solving those problems good for everyone, but bad for billionaires and corporations?

Yeah. That’s not going to happen. It’s much easier to say there are too many people.

We’re in that terminal stage of late-stage capitalism where the body starts consuming itself. The tumor that accounts for .1% of the body but hoards over 50% of the nutrients isn’t going to excise itself. And “there are too many people” sounds completely reasonable to the white blood cells.

And it’s only a matter of time before 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 start saying it out loud. “𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲” being the rich, powerful, and possibly a secretly lizard-person ruling class. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 already like money and hate people. People want annoying things like food and housing. People also hold inconvenient opinions like, “Maybe don’t replace us all with AI? We need to afford those annoying things like food and housing.” Listen to any one of ‘em talk for more than ten minutes and it’s clear 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲’𝐫𝐞 already thinking, “There are too many people.”

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 simply haven’t found the right branding campaign to sell it to consumers.

If you still think this sounds far-fetched, consider this: we’re already halfway there. Ask any 𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐧. Their entire concept of 𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐦 boils down to: “That nice thing we can’t do because there are too many people.”

Why can’t we have single-payer healthcare?
“Too many sick people.”

Universal Pre-K?
“Too many young people.”

Affordable college?
“Too many students.”

Living wages?
“Too many workers.”

Why do we need endless foreign wars?
“Too many people over there and not enough oil.”

We already live in a Fast-Pass luxury economy because the lines are too long, and the beauty of “there are too many people” is that it’s a problem that is never actually your problem to solve. You don’t need to gather the Infinity Stones.

Given enough time, a famine solves itself.

But you personally? You can order McDonald’s on DoorDash.

Wasn’t that basically the point of 𝐓𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐩 showboating an elderly woman delivering quarter-pounders?

SHE may not have a retirement plan because it got eaten alive by her husband’s cancer treatments, but YOU can get a McFlurry delivered directly to your front door.

So just tell yourself, “There are too many people. Besides, I gave her a good tip since my ice cream wasn’t half melted.”

Or we could do the hard, terrifying thing and diagnose the actual disease: late-stage capitalism.

There’s still enough time to cut out the ravenous growth and begin extensive radiation therapy before the body decides the easiest way to survive is by sacrificing its own organs.

But 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 don’t want you to know that.

On May 4th, @PaulSmithBooks achieved the indie author dream when his book cover broke through and was seen by hundreds of thousands. The responses were spirited and enthusiastic, ranging from “𝐘𝐨, 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐀𝐅,” to “𝐖𝐓𝐅 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮?”

How did he do it? Easy. He made the main character an AI-generated depiction of a Black woman with a chimpanzee’s face.

But I have a confession to make: Paul isn’t the only one who has created racist AI images to promote their novel.

𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥…

Now, I could just give in to the temptation and join the dogpile. Paul’s responses to the controversy have been a masterclass in deepthroating your own foot. It got so bad that the DIY publisher had to issue a statement and promise to hire a "diverse team" to vet submitted books.

Considering their current vetting process appears to be one of those drinking bird toys hitting “return” a la Homer Simpson, that might be a good idea.

But then I remembered Jesus had a whole thing about throwing rocks, and… Well.

Okay.

Did I create an image of a Black woman as a chimpanzee? No. God no.
It was a… monkey… And that, technically, is not an ape.

Did I have the bare minimum of common sense to realize I should probably keep this to myself? Yes, obviously.

Also, no, because I'm clearly writing about it.

Still… Please, if you will allow me some grace, I will explain myself. Just put down the pitchforks for one second.

For context: in my upcoming sequel, Take Back the Deep Estate, there’s a character named Li-Fang. She’s a Yeren, a Chinese sasquatch that basically looks like a ten-foot-tall, luxurious golden langur monkey.

Sidenote: Just look at these guys. I friggin love these guys! They totally give off "Oh God, it's only Tuesday" vibes.

One of the jokes I make is that somehow this cryptid has an OF page, and it gave me an idea. Not a good idea. But an idea that made me giggle, which unfortunately translates, in my brain, to a good idea.

You know those spam accounts trying to con guys into subscribing to an AI girl’s fake 0nlyF𝐚ns page? I could make one of those. But instead of an AI Barbie of a dubious age claiming to be an Epstein victim, it’d be for a sexy Bigfoot.

That’d be hilarious.

So I started messing around with AI to create a photorealistic version of Li-Fang.

Immediately, I hit a snag. AIs aren’t actually creative. What they’re good at is predicting pixels and taking known concepts and squishing them together into a neural network collage.

They struggle to create anything truly novel. If the AI has no concept of a Furby, you have to describe it, and what you’ll probably end up with is a deformed cat, because it knows cats.

In my first attempt, it understood what a golden langur looked like. It knew how to create a sasquatch. But telling it to blend the two together? It gave me Guy Fieri and the Hendersons. A Bigfoot with bleached fur.

So I nixed any reference to sasquatch and went with “golden langur with humanoid features,” emphasizing a more slender, feminine body so it wouldn’t default to a stocky Bigfoot.

…𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭.

The AI, in its infinite laziness, interpreted my prompt as: “So you want a monkey with a human face pasted over it. Got you.” Then it looked at the darker skin tones of a golden langur and went, “Well, she’s obviously Black,” and started filling in the rest.

I immediately started slamming the delete button, then took a hammer to my hard drive just to be safe.

So when I saw Paul’s cringey cover, I actually chuckled, because I knew exactly what happened. The AI did the inverse for him, lazily slapping a chimpanzee face onto a woman, and because she had dark skin, it coded her as Black and started making assumptions about her features, like her hair texture.

Ultimately, I think the AI was the racist in the cover design. Paul Smith’s contribution was just being painfully oblivious and awkwardly, glaringly white.

So goddamn white.

Canadian white.

Which is the Vantablack of whiteness.

It didn’t help that he kept doubling down when people pointed it out with, “Nah-uh, it can’t be racist because I’m not racist.”

When that didn’t work, he tried to play the victim. That went as well as Kevin Spacey coming out to avoid #MeToo.

Then, like a Republican congressman caught having sex in a LaGuardia men’s bathroom, he pivoted to, “I’ve talked it over with my family and now understand what I did was maybe wrong.”

Which naturally led to everyone asking, “Oh, NOW you understand? You’ll listen to your white family, but not the countless women of color who told you this was racist?”

And here I am, quietly oofing in the background.

I’m totally not gooning to a ’squatch thot.

Nosirree.

Oh, and Take Back The Deep Estate is coming out June 2nd. You can pre-order it now.

Welcome to the Deep Estate (Book One) Is also free this week on Kindle.

Spirit Airlines has officially shut down, beginning what it called an “orderly wind-down” of operations on May 2, and comedians all around America are mourning the loss of their favorite punching bag.

They want you to believe the airline’s collapse follows failed rescue talks and a second bankruptcy filing in under a year. They blame rising fuel costs and decreased air travel for overpowering their razor-thin margins. But you know what I say? It’s all a cover-up for the truth.

I have a theory. Not a good theory. Not a theory I would share under oath or near someone wearing a blazer. But I know it in my gut to be true:

Spirit Airlines was never really an airline. It was a marketing scheme cooked up by the airline cabal. From the very beginning, it was meant to be a joke. Think about it. What company chooses the same color scheme as a caution sign? Every time one taxied past the window, your brain didn’t say, “Vacation.” It said, “This cheap motel room smells like bleach for a reason.” But the true punchline of every lazy late-night joke about Spirit Airlines wasn’t Spirit Airlines—it’s that we were actually falling for their PsyOp.

Spirit’s purpose was simple: Their flights weren’t actually designed to be flown. They were only meant to be considered. You would open Google Flights, see a Spirit ticket for $79, and briefly experience the thrill of maybe, just maybe, finally finding something reasonably priced for once.

But from the jump, their flights are almost certainly algorithmically designed not to work with your schedule, offering Wednesday flights for your weekend trip, or a departure so early you’d have to stay up all night just to make it to the airport. Sometimes, they’ll just give you three connecting flights, turning a four-hour flight into a day-long marathon, and you’re stuck trying to make sense of how three flights bundled together are somehow cheaper, or why one of them has to take you halfway across the country in the opposite direction.

All the while, you see a direct Delta flight for $286 with a leisurely 10:00 AM boarding time on the exact day you want. Tempting, but far more than you wanted to pay.

So you start trying to make the Spirit flight work. But there’s a bait and switch to their à la carte pricing. Spirit is like a Chinese restaurant tempting you with $1 chicken fried rice, but when you pick it up, you find out the container isn’t included. That’s $4 extra. What are you going to do, walk home with two fistfuls of hot, greasy rice?

If you want to choose your seat, that’s extra. If you want a vague promise of even having a seat, that’s also extra. A carry-on bag? Extra. Leg room? Extra. Oh, and did I mention this is all per-flight, for both departures and returns, and each individual connecting flight involved? By the time you’ve finished adding what amounts to the bare minimum on any other airline, you’re sitting at around $220.

Now you’re staring at that direct Delta ticket for $286. Suddenly, it seems almost reasonable. Which is the entire point.

That was Spirit Airlines’ true function in the ecosystem. They were a front secretly propped up by the rest of the airline industry to make every other carrier look like a premium experience by comparison. Not because Delta, United, American, or Southwest are especially good — let’s not get hysterical — but because they weren’t Spirit.

Spirit also strategically lowered the bar, shifting the Overton window on what counts as an acceptable flying experience, so the other airlines could profit off being their worst selves. Every time some insane, stingy airline scheme made headlines, it was either Spirit piloting a new way to make your life miserable, or a major carrier adopting a lighter version of what Spirit had already normalized.

You know how airlines now vary the price of each seat so you’re forced to pay more if you want to sit together as a family, or not have your face jammed against the bathroom wall? Would you actually be surprised if an exposé revealed that it was a coordinated industry effort, and they sent Spirit, the resident clown, to test consumer reaction first?

I wouldn’t be. And not because I’m the one who just completely made up this hypothetical.

But here’s where the grand conspiracy broke down: For this scheme to work, people have to be able to afford the alternative, and the alternative has to have enough perks to justify the higher price tag.

Spirit was useful to the airline industry as long as it stayed a big yellow warning sign, frightening customers back toward the legacy carriers. But in this economy? When the rent went up, and the local crack house started to have curb appeal, Spirit Airlines became Max Bialystock in The Producers, foiled by its own success. The math got ugly enough, and flying got so miserable and expensive, that its signature brand of stingy misery actually became competitive.

And now, in a time when we need a cheap option the most, Spirit is conveniently gone.

…Almost as if by design.

John Doe here with the skinny on what’s going on in the Deep Estate in the coming months. But first…

If you still haven’t read Welcome to the Deep Estate…

• The ebook will be FREE from May 4th to 8th so that you can catch up to book two.

• If you love weird fiction and hate money, it’s also available on Kindle Unlimited or at a discounted $1.99.

• The audiobook is an absolutely bizarre masterpiece. If you’re a fan of the Dungeon Crawler Carl audiobook series, this one is for you.

  Take Back the Deep Estate is dropping on June 2nd.

We’re one month away from the release of book 2 and reviews are already starting to trickle in.

Here’s here’s the rundown:

• You can pre-order the eBook now! The paperback will be available on June 2nd.

• Stay tuned for a sneak peek of the opening chapters. You can read the prologue here.

• Yes, the audiobook is confirmed.

• Yes, Christopher Harbour is returning to narrate.

• Yes, we will be recording very soon. The release date is still TBD, but we’re aiming for around June 2nd.

• Yes, the sheer amount of love the audiobook receives, and the constant praise for Christopher’s performance, is making me insecure.

Tales From The Deep Estate

So, I’ve always loved how The Expanse had a novella between the main novels, and I’ve always wanted to do the same. It just so happens that I also conveniently have all these self-contained Case Files sitting on my desk. They’re full of Anomalous Objects, Cryptids, Apocalyptic near-misses and all the times Reality generally shat a brick, and I figured we could release a few of them as short stories.

Naturally, Carrie heard, “Let’s write a short story,” and the quickie turned into a tantric hundred-page novella we’ll be releasing in parts right here.

The first Case File, Vibe-Hound, revolves around an Anomalous Meme (yes, meme) that takes over a University of Kansas library with truly gruesome results. If you’re a fan of eyeballs, especially eyeballs that stay nice and snug inside their eye sockets, you’re going to absolutely love this story.

Part one will drop shortly.

-John Doe out.

I hate to break it to you, but your fancy stereo is not actually hi-fi. That extra money you’re paying for your phone does not mean it’s using a true 5G network. And that “AI-powered” toothbrush of yours is just a toothbrush with an app.

They’re all marketing terms.

There is no meaningful universal standard for “Hi-Fi.” A tin can with a wire sticking out of it could be hi-fi if Sony slapped a “Hi-Fi” sticker on the packaging. “5G” is often a messy 4G LTE hybrid while that little symbol in the corner makes you feel like you’re tearing down the AT&T Autobahn.

And “AI”? Same deal. At this point, anything with an algorithm is getting shoved under the giant inflatable tent labeled ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

So when people say, “AI is bad,” it might be worth pausing for half a second and asking: what exactly are we talking about? Because if we don’t define it, we’re going to get dismissed as irrational Luddites frothing at the mouth every time a computer does something slightly more complicated than a toaster. Worse, we may actually become those Luddites.

You cannot just yell “AI bad” and dismiss someone’s life’s work because you suspect they might have touched ChatGPT. That is not a principled stance. It’s a fear response. For a lot of people, it feels safer to make a baseless accusation than risk being caught unknowingly enjoying something AI-generated.

And I do mean baseless. I can confidently say 100% of the people who have accused me of using AI have read 0% of my work. Not only do they not read a single word, they vigorously try to keep other people from reading it too, which is a neat trick for anyone pretending they’re defending human creativity.

I don’t think AI is inherently bad. I think AI is a tool, and like most tools, the real problem is the asshole holding it. Grok isn’t deepfaking nudes because it’s just that edgy. Some creep told it to. Nobody loses their job to AI because the computer got ambitious. They lose their job because corporations are functional sociopaths that view a worker’s livelihood as an inconvenience.

So how do we gauge AI? It’s easy.

A Very Scientific System I Made Up Five Minutes Ago

I think it helps to divide AI into three broad categories: Generative AI, Assistive AI, and Agentic AI. Those categories can then be sorted into three qualities: The Good, The Bad, and The Grey.

Generally, if a human is still doing the work, still getting paid, and merely using AI to make life easier, that’s good. If AI is replacing jobs, hollowing out creative work, or making everyone’s life worse, that’s bad. And since the only thing in life that truly operates in binary is a computer, there’s also a whole realm where AI is neither entirely good nor entirely bad. That’s the murky grey.

Let’s get into it.

1. Generative AI

This is what most people mean when they say “AI is bad.” It’s the flashy stuff that generates text, images, video, music, fake voices, fake faces, fake articles, and fake girlfriends.

The Good

There’s nothing wrong with using ChatGPT to answer a question. Asking an AI is often just easier than digging through ten pages of SEO-goosed Google results, and Google did that to itself by spending years turning search into a swamp of ads, affiliate links, and listicles. It can live with the consequences.

People complain that LLMs were trained on Reddit replies, but there’s a reason for that. We’ve been doing the exact same thing for years, cribbing answers off Reddit. Ask yourself how many times you’ve added “Reddit” to a Google search just to get a quick, useful answer.

There’s also nothing wrong with having an LLM help with background research, summarize a dense topic, or speed up the grunt work. It can save real time, and that alone should not invalidate the human work built on top of it.

The Bad

At the same time, generative AI was born from Silicon Valley scraping up every byte of human creativity it could get its hands on, training models on it, then flooding every platform with synthetic garbage until genuine human work became harder to find, harder to trust, and easier to ignore.

Most importantly, it threatens to make the actual humans who create things irrelevant. Which is fantastic news if your dream society is one giant server farm where everyone is simultaneously a DoorDash driver and too broke to afford to use DoorDash.

And they stole my fucking em dashes. Make this make sense:

1. For centuries, scribes used long strokes in their writing.

2. The em dash emerged as a standard in 15th-century printing to represent that stroke, named for its width being roughly equal to that of a capital M.

3. Typewriters came along, and there’s a small problem: They had no dedicated em dash key. So did authors stop using em dashes? No. They typed multiple hyphens instead and trusted typesetters to fix it later.

4. Computers become a thing. Again, there is no em dash button, but authors don’t stop using em dashes. They just continue typing out three hyphens.

5. In 1991, Unicode adds a proper Em dash (U+2014). Authors continue to use em dashes, only now they’re holding down Alt, typing 2014, and scoffing at the simps still using three hyphens.

6. AI becomes a thing. How does it become a thing? By gobbling up the written word of every single author since Gutenberg to train their Large Language Models to write like authors.

7. Now, the LLMs trained to write like an author are using Em dashes just like an author and guess what happens? Do they accuse the AI of plagiarizing authors?

8. NO! Everyone accuses the authors of plagiarising AI because they’re using the same fucking punctuation they have always used. Why? Because no human uses em dashes. There isn’t even a way to type an em dash on a computer. Duh.

The Grey

This is where people completely lose their minds.

If someone writes and performs a song, then uses AI to add backing vocals and bass, is that an AI-generated song?

I’d say no. But also yes. But mostly no—I don’t know. Was it good?

That’s the part nobody wants to ask. The moment AI enters the frame, people stop evaluating the result and start treating the process like a failed drug test.

Humans are creative, but only a handful are true Renaissance types who can do every part of a project well. AI is tempting because it can help shoulder the load. So the real question becomes: who actually made the thing? Was the human driving the work, or did they just wander in at the end and slap their name on the group project while the robot did all the labor?

A lot of the outrage here gets weirdly absolutist, fast. People act like if AI touched even a single pixel, the entire work is invalidated. They’d have artists and writers pissing in a cup before every submission just to make sure they’re not doping with ChatGPT.

But creative work has always had grey areas. Photobashing. Remixing. Collage. Digital cleanup. Sampling. Editing. If someone used AI in a limited, specific way inside a much larger human-made process, then you have to actually look at the process.

I know. Awful burden.

You can’t just stamp FAKE on everything and call it moral clarity.

2. Assistive AI

This is the version of AI I’m least worried about because it fits pretty neatly into the normal history of technological advancement. Assistive AI is not doing the whole job for you. It’s helping with the annoying, repetitive, monotonous parts so a human can focus on the parts that actually require judgment, taste, skill, or creativity.

In other words, it’s speeding up one specific part of a job, not replacing the entire thing.

The Good

Netflix using AI lip-sync tech to better match dubbed dialogue to actors’ mouth movements is a good example. The actors still act. The voice actors still dub. Nobody stops being an artist. The final product just gets polished in a way that makes the language swap less distracting.

Grammarly is another one. If it catches your typo in ten seconds and saves you from publishing a “pubic statement,” that is not the fall of civilization. That is mercy.

The Bad

The bad side is that even assistive tools can make some jobs less necessary over time, but that’s also just how technology has always worked.

There was a time when chair-making was a specialized craft. Now we buy furniture from IKEA, spend four hours assembling Swedish particle board with an Allen wrench, and call it convenience. Humans have been mechanizing skilled labor for centuries. We love doing that. Turning skilled careers into cheaper, thinner, more disposable versions of themselves has always been one of technology’s nastier hobbies.

The Grey

That doesn’t mean every change is bad, or that the tool itself is to blame.

Rotoscoping is a good example. It’s an art form, a real skill, and part of the backbone of VFX work. But it’s also increasingly being replaced or accelerated by AI-powered tools in programs like After Effects.

Is that bad? Maybe. Or maybe it makes artists ten times more productive and frees them up to focus on higher-level work. The answer depends on whether the worker is still valued, still paid, and still treated like a person rather than a disposable cog in someone else’s quarterly report.

That’s the real issue, over and over again. It’s not the tool. It’s the labor relationship around the tool.

Don’t blame the plantation’s bullshit on the cotton gin.

Agentic AI

This is the one that should actually make people nervous.

Agentic AI is not just generating content or assisting with tasks. It is meant to perform complex human jobs for you. It is the wet dream of every executive who has ever looked at payroll and thought, “What if all these people didn’t need food?”

The Good

It’s one step closer to a real-life Asimov robot.

That’s it. That is honestly the only upside I can come up with that doesn’t immediately veer into dystopian nonsense.

The Bad

In a business environment, there is no version of agentic AI that does not threaten jobs. That is the point of it. Nobody is funding this stuff out of some noble desire to free humanity from email fatigue. They want labor replacement.

You do not buy Rosie the Robot and also keep paying the housekeeper.

Agentic AI is not just another productivity tool. It is a direct attempt to automate white-collar and middle-class labor at scale, and if it succeeds, it threatens to hollow out one of the few remaining economic buffers keeping this country from turning into a techno-fascist hellscape.

The Grey

Maybe, if we’re lucky, we end up with C-3PO.

More realistically, in the short term, we end up with a bunch of half-functional fake employees making everything worse while CEOs insist this is innovation because one of the bots successfully scheduled a Zoom call.

In the long term, we get a truly American version of the future: fewer jobs, worse service, more surveillance, and a press release about how excited everyone should be.

So, basically, Soylent Green with monthly subscription tiers.

Conclusion

“AI is bad” is an understandable instinct. What people are reacting to is real. The theft, the slop, the labor replacement, the cultural erosion, the environmental cost, the collapse of trust online. None of that is imaginary. It’s happening right now.

But “AI is bad” is too blunt to be useful if you don’t define it.

It lumps together job-killing automation, harmless spellcheck, research assistants, image generation, lip-sync cleanup, fake-news factories, and your phone suggesting a generic reply to a boring work email as if they’re all the same thing.

They are not.

The smarter position is not “AI good” or “AI bad.” It’s asking who is using the AI, what kind of AI it is, and at whose expense.

Everything else is bumper-sticker thinking.

LOS ANGELES— The Online LGBT community and its advocates continued to express outrage this week after 80-year-old actor John Lithgow declined to abandon his role as Dumbledore, prompting many to question why a man born in 1945 continues to behave like someone born in 1945.

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Critics say Lithgow’s failure to meet the moment by tearing up a high-profile paycheck—at the exact age when most Americans are trying to figure out whether they can safely stand up from the couch—has been especially painful, given that he is currently alive and famous.

“We just expected more from him,” said one disappointed activist, referring to an octogenarian who recently complained that Campbell’s split pea soup was too spicy. “Nobody is asking him to be perfect. We just need him to immediately understand the intersectionality of sex and gender, walk away from what may be his final major role, and do it all while vocally supporting the trans community using the exact correct phrasing.”

The problem for the 80-year-old man first arose when he announced he would be playing the transphobic hate figure Albus Dumbledore, then appeared visibly confused, mistakenly believing the role was for a major character from a beloved children’s book.

Accusations continued to mount when it became apparent Lithgow was not up to date on what J.K. Rowling was saying on X, or that X was once Twitter, or that Twitter was not Facebook.

Family members close to the actor have suggested he may be too old to fully grasp the controversy. “We try to explain it to him, and he just abruptly pivots to how nice it is outside, and how it’s not as hot as it was last year.”

When Them magazine asked Lithgow to respond to the widely circulated open letter addressed specifically to him, Lithgow assured the journalist that he checked his mailbox every day and would write back as soon as it arrived.

Sources close to the production say Warner Bros. has already instituted extensive sensitivity training to ease Lithgow into modern terminology, beginning with broad concepts like “identity” and “spectrum” before slowly working up to “trans person,” at which point something reportedly clicked in the actor and he responded, “Oh, you mean a transvestite? I’ve played one of those in the World According to Garp!” causing three consultants to leave the room and one intern to vomit into a tote bag.

“He didn’t understand why that was wrong,” said one shaken member of WB’s Crisis response team, recounting how John Lithgow refused to believe his Oscar-Nominated role of Roberta, once lauded as a caring portrayal of a Trans Woman, could be a bad thing, “He actually misappropriated the role of a Transgender woman right in front of us and said a few lines. And God help me… There was a voice. He did a voice.”

That same day, the entire PR team resigned en masse to avoid any potential blowback.

“He then said he wanted to see what ‘that J.K. woman was all about,’” Said one overwhelmed family member, “Because apparently that’s what you did back then. You got the full picture or something. We all started screaming ‘No!’ but he wouldn’t listen.”

Friends say Lithgow then made the mistake of taking the matter seriously. Rather than simply posting the PR-approved statement denouncing JK Rowling as a transphobic trash-monster and moving on, the actor reportedly printed out J.K. Rowling’s 4,000-word essay on sex and gender in 72-point font.

“It ate up three ink cartridges,” one family member complained. “And he just sat there reading. Taking notes. For hours. Didn’t once look at his phone.”

After finishing, Lithgow reportedly emerged with the sort of measured, partially sympathetic, context-laden opinion only seen in generations unexposed to TikTok.

Analysts are still struggling to parse the nuance.

“He does not agree with J.K. Rowling… but also does not wish she dies in a fiery car crash. He supports the trans community, but also believes that personally enjoying Harry Potter will not contribute to their death. Honestly, none of it makes sense. He might have dementia.”

As of press time, Lithgow still planned to portray Dumbledore and is now reportedly more concerned with taking naps and watching Antiques Roadshow.

I’ve come to fear the words “Netflix Adaptation.”

It so often results in an end product dumped unceremoniously onto the platform. Their shows often feel cheap and uneven, with front-loaded VFX designed to trick you into thinking the budget won’t fall off a cliff by episode two. Even if the series manages to be worth your time, don’t ever get too attached. Cancellation always hangs over it like the sword of Damocles on a hair trigger. And if it does get renewed? Enjoy your 2–3 year wait while the cast visibly ages between episodes.

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Of the many reasons Netflix has left me bitter (and there are many), none stings more than Cowboy Bebop. Seeing the Bebop in live-action has always been a long-time dream of mine, but the end result actually left me begging the streamer to take that dream behind the woodshed and put it out of its misery.

The adaptation attempt carried the usual Netflix work ethos of “We know half the audience will be on their phones, just aim for par,” but fell far short of even that. There was no distinct vision behind its creation, leaving it feeling like a fan-made short film stretched into 10 episodes, too timid to carry a vision beyond “do the anime, but live action.” Overall, so much of the series felt like Cosplay, not Cowboy Bebop. It's no surprise that the director of the original anime, Shinichiro Watanabe, said he turned the show off after the first ten minutes. I wish I had that kind of self-respect.

All of which is to say: watching One Piece stroll into its second season with confidence, ease, and style… stings. A lot.

When the two adaptations are compared, a lot of people have come to the conclusion that the live-action One Piece series is what you get when you have people who respect the source material, unlike the heathens who slopped out Cowboy Bebop, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Somehow, the same team that face-planted Cowboy Bebop came back and knocked One Piece out of the park using basically the same pipeline.

There’s also some extra irony to the Executive Producer of Cowboy Bebop and One Piece, Marty Adelstein, admitting,

“What we learned is the fans are expecting you to be true to the source material. As we read the comments [in response to Cowboy Bebop], it was always, ‘Well, they didn’t do this character the same as this and that’—It really taught us a lot of what we needed to do with this one.”

They clearly walked away learning the exact wrong message from making Bebop, but it was the exact right lesson they needed to make One Piece. Both adaptations take liberties with the source material. They both try to imitate the anime's look. Yet, One Piece works where Cowboy Bebop fails.

So what exactly happened?

After some deep, existential soul-searching and a bottle of whiskey, I landed on an answer:

There’s a paradox at the heart of adapting anime into live-action.

Anime isn’t just a medium. It’s also a genre. And those two things are tangled together in ways that make adaptation uniquely painful.

As a medium, anime isn’t constrained by reality. They don’t have to worry about the feasibility of a shoot location or the price tag of special effects. An anime set on an alien planet could cost just as much as an anime set in high school, where the live-action equivalents would effectively have you comparing Degrassi to James Cameron’s Avatar 3.

But anime is also a genre with its own tropes and style. It can be cartoony, deadly serious, emotionally devastating, surreal, violent, and pornographic and has no issue flipping between modes on a dime. Not being constrained by reality allows its stories to be as outlandish and over-the-top as they want. Chainsaw Man is about a kid who can turn into a chainsaw demon. Hellsing features a holy war between Protestants, Catholics, and Nazi Vampires. Neon Genesis Evangelion starts with high schoolers piloting giant robots, then quickly turns into watching Hideaki Anno animate his own mental breakdown.

While you can perform surgery to swap out the animated heart of How to Train Your Dragon and get a perfectly functional shot-for-shot remake, many attempts at transplanting anime often turn into heart surgery with a complete overhaul of the vascular system as well. You often end up with something compromised, Frankensteined and held together by stitches. American remakes are whitewashed and wildly diverging from the source material. Japanese remakes try to honor the source material, but can only meet the anime’s scope with terrible CGI and rushed storytelling.

Apparently, the answer Tomorrow Studios and Netflix had to this problem was simple: Don’t make it a movie. Leave the genre alone and just make it a live-action anime series instead. Duh.

That actually makes sense for something like One Piece, since the source material is an anime through and through. Its story is ridiculous. Its characters are doubly ridiculous. There is no way in hell you could ever ground it in realism and have it feel like a One Piece adaptation, so they didn’t even try. The end result looks like the bastard child of Pirates of the Caribbean and Lazytown.

And somehow it works. It works extremely well. For season 2, they just doubled down on the absurdity and guess what? It’s even better than season 1.

Fuck me, I guess.

So why did Cowboy Bebop fail?

Cowboy Bebop might be an anime, but it’s a major outlier more influenced by noir and spaghetti westerns than other anime. Its characters and its story are surprisingly grounded. There’s a subtlety to its world-building that leaves much to be inferred. When you strip away the animation of the original, you’re not going to find much anime inside its guts. Bebop is actually science fiction—good science fiction—that just so happened to be animated in Japan.

It’s why Netflix and Tomorrow Studios’ attempt to turn Cowboy Bebop into a live-action anime failed so spectacularly. They confused the original’s medium with its genre.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, straying further from the source material would have honored Cowboy Bebop more than creating a crude imitation. A real adaptation should’ve leaned into the sci-fi, hard. Spike, silently watching the smoke of a lit cigarette set to a crooning trumpet, feels more Spike than any space station kung-fu fight scene. A lazy smirk does more character building than any forced quip by John Cho. The end result should have been something closer to Firefly with the vibes of Blade Runner. A space western with jazz and room to breathe.

The muted colors and grit of The Expanse are a better fit than the oversaturated palette Netflix went with, which tried to ape the anime look.

A rotating set of clothing would have made the Bebop feel lived in. Instead, they stuck with their iconic looks, as if Spike wouldn’t be Spike if he didn’t cosplay like Spike. Jett’s angular facial hair only makes sense with the justification, “Well, it was that way in the anime.”

At the same time, One Piece Season 2 has a surprisingly emotional arc with Dr. Hiriluk, a character who rocks an insane anime-accurate tri-directional mohawk, and you don’t question it because it just fits the world they’re in.

Cowboy Bebop’s set design tried to match the anime’s junkyard retro-futuristic look, but offered no Sci-Fi worthy explanation for why you could find Cuban Resolver on Mars or have Jett standing on a Nixon-era suburban street in the very next scene. It often confused “this was an anime in the 90’s” with design choice, leaving you with a future full of CRT screens and analogue tapes. Worse, most of the retro was in the props and set design, while the set extensions carried all the futuristic sci-fi elements. You could clearly see where the physical set ended and the green screen began in almost every shot.

And then there’s Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV.

When the live-action Radical Edward made a post-credit appearance in Cowboy Bebop to ham it up on-screen like some theater kid who forgot to take their Adderall, I reached such a low that I actually began to believe in God just so I could have someone to blame.

Ed is by far the most “anime” thing you will find in the original Cowboy Bebop. She’s over-the-top, silly, and the only character that uses those anime chibi expressions. When she isn’t contorted in a yoga pose so she can type with her feet, she’s usually delivering her lines by invading someone’s personal space or doing a handstand.

I always pictured Ed in live action form as a drastically toned-down version of that. She would still be an androgenous teen co-oping the Bebop’s main living area, but her anime quirks would be sanded off. Still on the spectrum with no concept of ‘awkward,’ but she certainly wouldn’t be bouncing off the walls.

When I saw her in the adaptation, I was convinced she was a panicked last-minute addition. That Netflix yoinked some girl from a local AnimeCon cosplaying as Ed and didn’t ask to see her resume. They just dragged her directly from the convention to the set.

Now? Seeing Cowboy Bebop’s cringy final death spasm is almost educational, because everything about that scene, from the over-the-top performance to the hyper-faithful character design, is exactly what works in One Piece. That Ed would fit right into Monky D. Loofy’s crew, but not the Bebop’s.

Faithfulness isn’t about creating a 1:1 copy. It’s about understanding what needs to be preserved and what needs to change. It’s about providing added value to what was in the original, and sometimes that means going in a new direction. Stories like One Piece need translation. Others need transformation, and Cowboy Bebop was clearly in the latter category.

Sigh… maybe in ten years we can try again.

With HBO.

Please God, just make it HBO.

I’m exhausted from this era of nostalgia-sploitation where we refuse to let “The End” be the end. Maybe I’m just bitter from being done dirty too many times, but every reboot seems to run on the same formula now: shuffle the deck and reposition the original lead as the wise mentor for their functional clone who still has two good hips. So when I found out that they killed the Buffy reboot, I’m not mourning the loss. I’m honestly relieved.

These revivals always begin the same way. First comes the triumphant announcement that your favorite franchise is returning. Then comes the quiet clarification that not all the original elements that made you love it in the first place will be involved. With Buffy: New Sunnydale, it increasingly looked like, out of the entire Scooby Gang, the only one definitely returning was Scooby. Or Daphne, I guess, since it’s Sarah Michelle Gellar. Whatever. Somewhere in a conference room, someone clearly decided: “The show is called Buffy. We got Buffy. Good enough.”

Except it isn’t.

To be fair, the people behind the show insisted this wasn’t technically a reboot, but a continuation. A bold new take. The idea was to introduce a new Slayer while positioning Buffy as a mentor figure — you know, like Luke Skywalker guiding Rey. Or Rocky training Adonis Creed. Or Daniel LaRusso becoming the new Mr. Miyagi in Cobra Kai.

The focus was going to be on the next generation of the Scooby Gang. Kind of like how the teens from That ’70s Show eventually became the confused parents in That ’90s Show. Or how Zach Braff was promoted from lovable idiot doctor to lovable idiot teacher in the Scrubs: Med School reboot, or how Zach Braff was promoted from lovable idiot doctor to lovable idiot Chief of Medicine in the recent re-reboot.

They were passing the wooden stake. Like Bill Murray passing the proton pack to Finn Wolfhard. Like Indiana Jones reluctantly handing over the whip to Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

It was a winning, completely original formula that couldn’t possibly fail. The roles were cast. A full pilot was shot. Real effort was clearly made.

And then Hulu watched it.

…and passed.

From the outside, the project looked like a perfect storm of structural problems a fresh coat of paint couldn’t fix. Some characters simply couldn’t come back. Dead actors can’t reprise their roles, and the best we can usually hope for is a tasteful dedication card and a line of dialogue assuring us they’re canonically “living their best life on a farm upstate.” Buffy’s younger sister, Dawn, played by Michelle Trachtenberg, tragically wouldn’t appear in New Sunnydale, which effectively scratches Scrappy Do off the list.

Then there are characters whose actors have become liabilities. In modern revivals, those figures tend to vanish into thin air, leaving behind a strangely shaped hole and real-world discomfort to fill in the gap. On That ’90s Show, Danny Masterson’s crimes were so severe the writers couldn’t even joke about his absence. Personally, I think a recurring gag where everyone just mutters “We don’t talk about Uncle Hyde” would’ve been cathartic, but I also accept that my poor taste is not always a reliable compass.

For Buffy, that dynamic would obviously apply to Xander. Nicholas Brendon’s personal struggles have been well documented, and it’s hard to imagine a major streamer building a revival plan that includes a character tied to multiple arrests and convictions.

(Update: -sigh- And the day after I wrote this, Nicholas Brendon passed away. I don’t want to speculate, and hate to think that Hulu’s cancellation may have been a factor. Honestly, Buffy isn’t Buffy without Xander.)

The creator issue loomed even larger. Joss Whedon’s alleged behavior on the original set was a guarantee he wouldn’t have been allowed within 500 feet of the property. Unfortunately, for as shitty a human being as he is, Whedon is still the mind that made Buffy, and I’m done pretending that the original authors of a story can be replaced and it’ll still be the same thing. It’s not.

For all their flaws, the Star Wars prequels at least feel like the product of a single, coherent vision because George Lucas was at the helm, steering the ship with an ego that only an original creator can have. Without that “Fuck you. This is my story. I can do what I want,” you end up with studio execs handling a franchise and directors being kept on a short leash, worried about meeting fan expectations.

And then there’s the simple reality of time. Buffy is a show about immortal vampires played by very mortal actors. Bringing back characters like Spike or Angel would mean either ignoring the fact that Angel, the eternal 20-something, was now pushing 60, or digitally sanding down the decades like De Niro in The Irishman. Neither option inspires confidence.

So what were we realistically left with? Maybe Willow in a limited cameo. (Alyson Hannigan was never signed on as a recurring role.) Possibly Giles, though positioning Buffy herself as the wise guide would make him narratively redundant.

Most likely, it would have been Buffy and a group of carefully engineered functional equivalents trying very hard to recreate the chemistry of the original Scooby Gang. That’s a hard position to put Buffy’s character in without bringing along a sad, subtle undertone of an aging sorority mom still hanging onto the triumphs of her youth while all her Chi Delt sisters go off to make careers of their own.

And seeing that the new Buffy pilot reportedly underwent rewrites to give Sarah Michelle Gellar a larger presence, it’s safe to say the show was still trying to figure out what it actually was right up to the end. Was it a reboot or a continuation?

My guess is they ended up with a reboot nobody liked.

To their credit, the creatives clearly tried. Hulu ordered a pilot helmed by Oscar-winning director Chloé Zhao. That’s not the kind of swing you take if you’re planning to phone it in. It’s easy to imagine heartless executives in suits axing a beloved property without a second thought. In reality, pilots like this are usually tested, tweaked, and sometimes reshot before a final decision is made. If they still walked away, it suggests something more fundamental wasn’t working.

And given Disney’s well-established enthusiasm for making fresh money off old nostalgia, the bar probably wasn’t sky-high. The show didn’t need to reinvent television. It just needed to somewhat feel like watching an episode of Buffy. If it couldn’t clear that hurdle, do you really want to untie the neat little bow the series finale tied all those years ago?

Personally, I would have leaned into the continuation angle and taken the story somewhere new. It starts with Buffy Summers living out of a van, traveling across the country slaying vampires because it’s the only thing she knows how to do. She’s lost her posh, fashionable-but-sensibly-priced style, and you can tell the off-camera years haven’t been kind to her. Then you introduce a young Slayer who lost her parents to vampires and—boom—now you have Buffy in a maternal role she’s not emotionally prepared for, dealing with a troubled tween who needs protection and guidance.

Keep them on the road. Have them pursued by an army of vampire bikers to keep the tension running. Throw in a scene where Buffy is calling Giles back in London looking for advice, asking if she was ever this bad. The story practically writes itself.

And yes, I basically just described the Buffy version of a story you’ve seen several times before (Logan, The Witcher, The Last of Us, Terminator: Dark Fate, just to name a few). But goddamn it, that kind of story works. What matters is that it’s not trying to give you New Sunnydale. It’s trying to give you something different.

As it stands, they were trying to recreate magic with far too many missing ingredients. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was never just about Buffy. It was a genre-blending ensemble machine powered by fast banter, rich lore, and long emotional arcs, all packaged in a monster-of-the-week structure that barely exists in the modern streaming era.

The original series thrived on the interplay of a beloved group. Yes, the show was called Buffy, but it often felt more like Friends. If you can’t recreate that, don’t even try. With only Sarah Michelle Gellar in the mix, they were essentially promising more of the same, only to risk delivering a full season of Joey.

That’s a loss I’m perfectly willing to accept.

Silicon Valley built these fantastic machines that can seemingly pull any image, song, or film out of thin air, and corporate media has been eyeing that golden goose ever since. At this point, it isn’t a question of if they’ll try to sell those eggs. It’s when. They’ve already started easing them into the diet, with a Marvel Secret Invasion title sequence here, a Fallout recap there, and after-the-fact disclosures about AI accent tweaks and set extensions in The Brutalist. The public reaction has generally been... not great. Every move gets met with scrutiny, shrieking, and a fresh wave of think pieces.

Right now, monetizing AI content mostly happens at the individual level, and it often relies on a quiet kind of deception, convincing people that the work was created by hand with care, not generated via prompt. Take The Velvet Sundown, a Southern rock band that reached one million Spotify listeners before it was revealed they don’t actually exist. People were so focused on the scale of the bamboozle that they missed the real story: Spotify’s response.

They could’ve stood by artists and banned AI-generated music because it’s sucking up potential revenue from real, starving musicians. Instead, they added a checkbox for uploaders who would like to voluntarily identify their songs as machine-generated. That’s it. A voluntary checkbox seems to be the default concession for most platforms. As long as the slop doesn’t desecrate some sacred IP, they’re dead set on keeping AI content on the same playing field as regular content. They’ve sunk too much money into this venture not to try to normalize it.

The major platforms and studios are not investing billions into generative AI because they want to foster creativity. They’re investing because AI promises an infinitely cheap content supply. Skilled labor is expensive. Actors have unions. Writers strike. Artists act like, well, artists.

AI does none of that.

For Disney’s billion-dollar investment in OpenAI to make sense, they eventually have to get something back from the deal that they can actually sell, and from a media corporation’s perspective, the dream scenario is obvious: generate the next Black Keys instead of paying the real Black Keys. Generate prestige drama for pennies on the dollar and skip the expensive, unpredictable chaos of human production.

Then sell it to audiences at the same price.

There’s only one problem: it’s unclear whether consumers will agree to that proposition. I’ve yet to see AI-generated content openly advertised as such come with a price tag.

Look, I’m not one of those “AI is the great Satan” types. I love AI. I’m fascinated by how fast it’s evolving. I firmly believe the problem has always been how people use technology, not the technology itself.

But when it comes to AI-generated creative work, that stuff is worthless.

And I know that’s easy to say right now because we’re drowning in the toxic runoff of the Uncanny Valley. Today’s AI content is weird and hollow, but the improvement curve is insane. Just look at what people now call the “Will Smith Eating Spaghetti Test.” In only three years, we went from surreal nightmare fuel to merely off-putting. It won’t be long before it’s indistinguishable from commercial filmmaking.

But even if tomorrow’s models could generate Oscar-worthy cinematography that gives Emmanuel Lubezki a run for his money, audiences still won’t value that output the same way they value human work.

But What is “Real” Anyway?

It’s a morning ritual of mine to use ElevenLabs text-to-speech to listen to my manuscripts. It helps me step out of a writer’s mindset and just hear the story. Also, having Robo Michael Caine read Bobo the Garden Gnome is objectively hilarious:

The other day, my brother overheard me listening to the sequel to Welcome to the Deep Estate. He said, “It’s going to sound so much funnier with the real narrator.” He was right. Christopher Harbour is genuinely talented. But the phrasing stuck with me.

People instinctively frame the opposite of AI as real, and I don’t think that’s just because “Artificial” is in the name. Something deeper is happening. AI will always feel not real, no matter how real it gets.

If a machine can generate something in seconds that would take a human weeks, using skills that normally take a decade to master, our instinct isn’t to marvel at the machine’s superiority. We immediately discount what it made. It’s not real. It’s AI. It’s slop.

On some level, AI content sounds like a Zen riddle. How do you take a photo without ever touching a camera? What is the sound of a song recorded without a band? AI art has no existence before its generation. The model has no intention beyond following a prompt. It feels like everything is being conjured out of thin air.

Human creative work comes with a life outside of a digital file. You will never see Velvet Sundown in concert. You can’t point to a scene and say, “Tilly Noorwood actually broke her foot when she kicked that orc helmet.” Even if the AI actress could somehow give an Oscar-winning performance, who would accept her award?

The video model? The billionaire who funded it? Or the guy who hit generate?

Certainly not Tilly Noorwood. She’s just a JPEG with a PR team.

AI Will Never Have Its R. Mutt Moment

AI may be incredibly skilled, but skill and creativity are not the same thing. Generative models are trained to follow prompts, optimize outputs, and converge toward what pleases the user. They’re phenomenal at generating variations of things that already exist.

Humans tend to create by doing the opposite. They deviate and often follow the least optimal path. They take risks that might ruin their careers. So much of their end product is flawed, confusing, or unnecessary, until eventually something clicks. Suddenly, Duchamp’s poorly placed urinal with “R. Mutt” on the side becomes the mic-drop moment of the Dada movement.

People crave that kind of novelty. AI, fairly or unfairly, arrives with the stigma of offering only more of the same. That works in small, disposable bites on social media, and maybe for genre readers whose search histories already read like a prompt: “High quality, best-selling, steamy enemies-to-lovers romance between an elf and a centaur.”

The Slot Machine Problem

Suno, the AI music platform, is extraordinary. I love writing lyrics, prompting the style, hitting generate, and getting two fully produced songs thirty seconds later. If I don’t like them, I tweak the prompt and hit generate again. Two more songs appear. Do that twenty-five times, and suddenly you have fifty songs with fifty different melodies, performed by fifty different imaginary bands.

And I end up deleting forty-nine of them.

That disposable, whole-cloth generation undercuts the value of the finished product. Generative AI doesn’t really sketch out ideas. It’s more like a printer powered by a slot machine, and the human labor mostly comes down to pulling the lever and waiting for a jackpot.

At best, anyone trying to take credit for the output starts to look like a stage mom saying, “They wouldn’t even be famous if it weren’t for my guidance.”

It doesn’t matter how much cleanup or editing happens afterward. The default assumption is always that the machine did the heavy lifting. So when someone tries to sell generative media, the first reaction is simple: Why are we paying you for something the machine made?

The second reaction is worse. Why pay at all? I could make this at home.

The Generative Genie Is Out of the Bottle

Imagine having access to today’s MidJourney a decade ago. You could have built an enormously profitable career as an artist with minimal effort. You could have amassed huge followings, sold prints, landed commissions, and had studios lining up for concept work.

Now? Nobody cares. There is no meaningful skill barrier to high-quality work from AI, and that carries an inherent “I could make that” quality.

Things could’ve been very different if Silicon Valley had kept the genie in the bottle and only doled out wishes to the highest corporate bidders. Instead, they handed it out to anyone with a subscription. Even if they hadn’t, open-source models are only about six months behind in capability. And when everyone has a golden goose, that doesn’t mean everyone profits. It just means the gold market is about to collapse.

Studios like Disney and Netflix are clearly salivating over the idea that a ten-cent generation can replace a ten-million-dollar VFX shot. On paper, the math looks irresistible. Spend pennies, save millions. Somewhere on Buena Vista Blvd, an executive is absolutely convincing themselves that this translates directly into $9,999,999.90 more in profit, but it won’t math out that way in reality. Their logic assumes the two shots exist in the same marketplace. They don’t.

A ten-million-dollar spectacle shot is finite precisely because it costs ten million dollars to produce. That limitation creates scarcity. Scarcity creates anticipation. No one went to see Avatar 3 for the story. They went to watch James Cameron burn through half a billion dollars in the most visually stunning way possible.

The ten-cent imitation exists in a separate AI-saturated marketplace of its own making, where jaw-dropping visuals are no longer rare achievements but disposable spectacle that anyone with a subscription can generate. Its content that never quite transcends the suspension of disbelief because AI is still hard-coded in our minds as not real.

And when talent and skill are industrialized, value doesn’t disappear. It migrates. When nothing feels real, people begin to value authenticity. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Lars von Trier’s stripped-down Dogme 95 ethos came back around.1

If anything, the limitations of traditional filmmaking may only add to its appeal. People were drawn to Mad Max: Fury Road because it featured real cars, real stunts, and real explosions. I’m sure that same yearning for authentic spectacle will only intensify over time.

The real power of generative tools, at least right now, lies in personalization rather than monetization. I don’t listen to other people’s AI-generated music on Suno unless I’m hunting for prompt ideas, and they don’t listen to mine. The value lies in creating something for yourself, not in consuming strangers’ machine output.

The moment the technology allows it, I’ll absolutely try to generate long-form video just to see my own stories come to life. I’ve already experimented with a version of that through my AI radio play Some Stick Around, a feature-length ghost story designed to feel cinematic without turning on a screen.

And I give it away for free.

Not because I think it’s worthless, but because I don’t want to profit from the displacement of real voice actors like Christopher Harbour, or my father, Tom Kane, who spent decades building a career in that industry. I grew up watching countless faces light up with the realization that my dad voiced some of their favorite cartoons. You don’t get that when ElevenLabs is the norm.

Which brings me to the real cost of AI content. The one that actually matters.

The Human Cost

A viral tweet recently told a horror story about Amazon forcing thousands of engineers to document their jobs before replacing them with AI.

Is the post true? No. Corporations rarely gut departments in one dramatic event. They do it quietly. Positions go unfilled. Contracts aren’t renewed. Vendors lose clients. Layoffs happen at the edges.

But the story feels true. And that’s enough to fuel outrage.

We’re already seeing a justified social backlash against AI as everyone who isn’t a plumber begins to see the outline of an AI-fueled jobpocalypse. We can’t help but feel on edge every time yet another company rolls out an AI-forward PR release.

Sit through the credits of a Marvel film, and you’re confronted with thousands of names. Infinity War alone listed more than five thousand. Buying a ticket feels, however abstractly, like supporting that vast creative ecosystem. For that same reason, paying for AI media starts to feel like a tacit endorsement of all the people they didn’t hire, and audiences are becoming increasingly conscious of where that money is going.

And this is where reality begins to matter less than the vibes. Behind the Mickey Mouse mask is a faceless multinational corporation, and it’s naive to believe they won’t choose the most sociopathic option. Corporate efficiency and the almighty bottom line dictate that the Disney of the future will keep inching toward a Marvel movie where the credits are shorter than the post-credit scene.

Based on characters by
Stan Lee and Jack Kirby

Executive Producer
Kevin Feige

Prompted by
Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick

Written by
ChatGPT

Filmed, performed, directed, and rendered by
SeedDance 5.0

Post-FX cleanup by
The one guy still working at ILM

No animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

Whether or not that ends up being their actual intention is almost beside the point. It’s galling to imagine someone at Disney looking at the credits of Infinity War and wondering whether all those names could eventually be copy-pasted into a war memorial for the fallen VFX industry. As things stand now, every time a corporation releases AI-generated content, it feels like another step toward that future, and you can practically hear a barking laugh coming from some boardroom on a top floor.

That idea alone is enough to push people toward boycotting anything tainted by AI, and that rancor will quickly extend to anyone working on it. Imagine becoming the symbolic face of why so many people lost their livelihoods. Social media’s maximalist rhetoric will turn you into a scab crossing the picket line and betraying all of humanity. A quick paycheck won’t cover the cost of permanently damaging your career.

The pushback is going to come from a very big tent encompassing everyone who currently feels a bit of AI-based job insecurity, which is basically anyone using a computer. It will make your usual toxic fanbase look quaint by comparison.

My hope.

Unlike the Industrial Revolution, where factories turned artisans into factory workers, AI is both the factory and the factory worker. It doesn’t just mechanize labor. It mechanizes the labor force as well. That risks leaving the metaphorical artisans out in the cold, not because they stopped mattering, but because the system suddenly stopped needing them.

On the plus side, that also means the artisans will still exist, shivering and disgruntled as all hell.

Creators are stubborn. They don’t create because it’s efficient. They create because that’s what they do. Literature was arguably hit first by the AI blitzkrieg, and most writers didn’t pivot into prompt engineering or quietly pack it in. They did what writers have always done. They kept writing, neurotically rubbing at the fresh chip on their already chipped shoulders.

If anything, generative AI may end up doing something deeply ironic. By flooding the world with frictionless media, it could restore our appreciation for messy human things. Work with smeared eraser marks and fingerprints dried into the paint. Work that feels like someone risked embarrassment, failure, or obscurity just to make it exist.

Perhaps human-made art becomes the next luxury label. Fresh. Organic. Handcrafted. Human. Something people are willing to pay for, not necessarily because it is better, and not even because it is rarer, but because it feels real in a world increasingly filled with simulacra.

That may be the quiet future of creativity. Not total replacement. Not a clean victory for machines or humans. Just a bifurcation: infinite content on one side, finite intention on the other.

Maybe audiences will still consume AI media. Maybe they’ll enjoy it, and maybe they’ll even learn to pay for it. But when it comes time to spend real money, to signal real taste, to support something they believe actually came from another mind, they will reach for the human work.

If only to escape the slop.

In a stunning geopolitical development, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced it had fully embraced Western demands by surrendering its missiles, dismantling its nuclear program, dissolving its theocracy, holding free multiparty elections, and—perhaps most stunning of all—electing the country’s first female president.

President Narges Mohammadi, the 2023 Nobel Peace Prize recipient famous for her fight against the oppression of women in Iran and for promoting human rights and freedom for all, took office and immediately issued a statement declaring that Iran harbored “absolutely zero ill will toward the United States or Israel.”

“We get it,” Mohammadi said. “If we were in your shoes, we’d bomb us too.”

Approximately 14 minutes later, Israeli aircraft were seen bombing the presidential palace.

“I’m honestly confused,” said one exhausted Iranian voter, still holding an I Voted For Democracy sticker while smoke rose behind him. “We did the elections, the human rights stuff, the missile surrender, the whole thing. Mohammadi literally ended her speech by saying Israel had ‘every right to exist. You do you.’ Then—boom. They martyred her. I only pray to Allah she’s up there now teaching a women’s self-defense class to 72 virgins.”

Regional analysts said the events have raised troubling questions about the strategic logic behind decades of pressure on Iran.

“For years the argument was that Iran had to do X, Y, and Z to get with the program,” said one Middle East policy expert. “Iran just got with the program—plus some—in a single afternoon. And the response was… immediate decapitation strikes.”

Witnesses said the brief Iranian president was about to put pen to paper to sign the “Totally Chill About Israel Forever Act” when the explosion occurred. Had the act gone into effect, Iran would have:

• surrendered its remaining uranium stockpile

• deleted the phone numbers of the Houthis and other proxy forces

• agreed to international inspections “basically forever”

• converted the Revolutionary Guard into a co-ed volunteer force

• replaced the national slogan “Death to Israel and America” with “Honestly, We’re Super Chill Now.”

None of it appeared to matter.

Israeli defense officials defended the strike, explaining that a pacifist Iran with a popular female leader vouching undying love for the Jewish homeland could still “develop nuclear weapons within two weeks. Probably.”

“You have to think long term,” said one IDF spokesman. “The problem with functioning democracies is that they still function. If 93 million Iranians have running water, electricity, and a reliable rule of law, that’s 93 million potential avenues to developing a nuclear weapon within two weeks.”

Inside Washington, officials were sending mixed signals, with Trump posting on Truth Social praising the new Iranian leader and saying he expected “great things coming.”

Only minutes later, after Israel announced her death, Trump posted again, taking a victory lap for putting down the president “LIKE A DOG.”

The White House then released a statement reaffirming its backing of Israel, adding—without being prompted- “This has absolutely nothing to do with who is in the Epstein files or what evidence Mossad might have on them. Don’t be stupid.”

At press time, Israeli officials further clarified that the operation was necessary to “prevent Iran from becoming the next Syria by turning it into Syria immediately.”

~Book One~

Here’s a little secret: Reality is insane.

READ THE BOOK

LISTEN TO THE BOOK

A death cult led by a box of Kraft mac and cheese. The Bermuda Triangle. Lizard people walking among us. When every conspiracy theory, urban legend, and fever-dream headline is true, someone has to keep it all cataloged, contained, and out of sight. That someone is the Bureau of the Bizarre.

John Doe always thought his paranoid father was crazy, then the crazy showed up on his doorstep with a job offer. Now, he’s a Collector for the Bureau, partnered with Edith Sinner, a metanatural vampire with a murder glare and a past that refuses to stay buried. Their office is The Deep Estate, a liminal space carved out of The Backrooms, where nightmares take shape and reality bends to the collective unconscious. Their coworkers are anything but normal. Carrie is a stab-happy flying pencil. Marybeth is a Victorian doll with serious Devil Daddy issues. And then there is the Murder Clown...

But when John and Edie bump into a conspiracy the Bureau was never meant to see, reality itself is rewritten to frame them for murder. Hunted by their own and pursued through impossible corridors, they have to expose the truth before the Deep Estate’s secrets swallow them whole.

Equal parts cosmic horror and comic absurdity, Welcome to the Deep Estate is what happens when Men in Black stumbles into the Backrooms carrying a copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide.

Welcome to your new nine-to-five. Welcome to the Deep Estate.

TAKE BACK THE DEEP ESTATE

~Book Two~

PRE-ORDER

They found Edie inside the Backrooms. That was the easy part.

Getting out alive is another matter entirely.

Time works differently in Liminal Space, and the deeper John Doe goes, the stranger it gets. The endless halls of the Backrooms give way to the Backwoods, a sprawling forest filled with creatures that evolved beyond reality. Leprechauns hunt in packs. Sasquatch stalk through the trees. And how do you even escape a place where outside doesn’t exist?

But while John, Edie, and Carrie the flying pencil are fighting to get back, the last thing anyone expects is that today is the day that the Deep Estate falls.

The Bureau of the Bizarre is in lockdown. The Illuminati are making their move. Their Chupacabra army is ready to invade. For the thousands of humans trapped inside, the mission is no longer about keeping the impossible contained...

It’s about surviving the purge.

PARTITION: CRITICAL ERA

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Welcome to the new YOUtopia.

The planet is dying, a mega-corporation controls everything, but at least you don’t have to work another day in your life, not when an Organic AI controls your body every night.

Eric Noble is beginning to realize that nothing makes a Day feel more like a complete waste of space than having all the time in the world. Detective Noble is starting to see the truth that he and the other Nights are nothing more than programmable slaves living inside someone else.

After eight uneasy years of sharing the same body, a chance encounter with an old friend changes everything. Now, Eric’s memory is missing, a woman has been murdered, and if things weren’t bad enough, he’s the prime suspect in his own Night’s homicide investigation.

Two minds, one body, and a society on the knife’s edge, what they do next will determine the fate of both worlds.

Partition: Critical Era is the first installment in Kevin Kane’s sweeping sci-fi mystery series. Prepare to enter a world where humanity and identity are traded in for the worst excesses of techno-capitalism, and the difference between a Brave New World utopia and a 1984 dystopia depends entirely on the time of day.