After Antibiotic-Resistant Pink Eye Outbreak in White House, CDC Issues New Guidelines on Analingus

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued new safety guidelines Monday after a wave of antibiotic-resistant conjunctivitis swept through senior members of the Trump administration, with officials tracing the outbreak to what they clinically referred to as “direct ocular exposure during what POTUS calls ‘kissing the ring.’”

“We cannot emphasize enough the bacterial and chemical hazards down there,” warned Dr. Marissa Ellison of the CDC, holding up a chart labeled Oval Office Exposure Pathways, which depicted a bacterial hazard heat map of President Trump’s undercarriage.

“Tossing his salad is the closest Donald Trump ever gets to eating leafy greens. It’s vital that every staff member takes precautions.”

The guidelines, circulated as an emergency memorandum to staffers, recommend:

• Politely asking the president to remove his Depends before engaging.

• Making use of the complimentary wet wipes station inside the Oval Office.

• Wearing OSHA-approved safety goggles during all encounters.

• Applying Vicks VapoRub under the nose “to mitigate both scent and psychological trauma.”

An earlier draft of the guidelines, leaked to The Washington Post, also included the bullet point, “Use a dental dam,” but it was reportedly struck down by Deputy Chief of Staff Steven Miller because it “Defeats the entire point if you can’t taste his glory.”

The outbreak has already left visible casualties. Former White House aide Kash Patel required emergency enucleation after his right eye turned gangrenous. Pam Bondi, now sporting oversized Ray Charles-style sunglasses, refused to confirm whether she lost her vision to pink eye or simply gouged her eyes out to erase the sight of Trump’s weathered 79-year-old sphincter.

“We’re treating this as a pandemic-level event,” said RFK Jr., noting new infections have been reported in Tel Aviv following Netanyahu’s private meetings with Trump last week.

As of press time, the Secretary of Health and Human Services is the only staff member who appears to be curiously immune to the outbreak, which sources attribute to his daily practice of taking raw sewage baths.