Aliens Land in Central Park, Meet President Trump, Nation Still Fixated on Unreleased Epstein Files

Here’s the audio virgin:

NEW YORK— In what experts are calling the most significant event in human history, a gleaming silver craft touched down in Central Park Monday afternoon, just 2.3 miles from the Manhattan condo owned by Jeffrey Epstein, the ownership of which remains shrouded in mystery because the Epstein files still haven’t been released.

Current President and former Epstein best friend Donald Trump greeted the bioluminescent beings, who had traveled eighty years and over four light years for this historic first contact. What followed was a standard sit-down with Trump where he notably did not mention how the most infamous kiddie diddler in the world somehow died under suspicious circumstances during his first term.

According to eyewitnesses, one of the aliens tried to hand Trump a glowing crystal containing “the knowledge to end all suffering,” which Trump politely refused, likely because that knowledge would also end the suffering of the countless Epstein victims waiting for the healing light of disclosure. Such an outcome would be catastrophic for the fragile web of lies and denials keeping his already embattled presidency together.

When asked to comment on the matter, the aliens said “Bleep Blorp” or some shit. No one was listening because we, as a species, literally cannot function knowing that the current sitting president of the United States might’ve visited Epstein’s island.

The aliens departed around midnight, vanishing into the night sky with a sound described as “a shimmering hum, like the universe exhaling,” leaving humanity with a simple message: “We will return when you are ready.” Considering we’ve had five years to release the Epstein files and still don’t know what was up with that guy, they might be gone for a while.