Blizzard Activision Announces Every Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 Player Will Be Fingered in the Ass

Blizzard Activision has unveiled what it calls “the most comprehensive anti-cheat monitoring system in gaming history”: every player who purchases the standard edition of Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 will receive a complimentary fingering in the ass from a licensed Activision employee.

“This revolutionary measure will not only prevent cheaters, but also foster a stronger sense of community and trust between Activision and the millions of players we are actively molesting,” said an Activision spokesperson while handing out gloves.

While Activision insists the initiative is about integrity and fair play, stockholder documents from Microsoft, its parent company, describe it bluntly as a financial necessity in the Games-as-a-Service era. “Players have been conditioned to accept constant microtransactions,” the report reads. “Physical penetration is simply the next logical step in maximizing revenue. For those who want to enjoy the classic COD experience, they are welcome to purchase the Finger-Free Edition for $89.99.”

Behind the scenes, the logistics are staggering. Activision has quietly assembled an on-demand global workforce of millions of unvetted strange men, each stationed within a 15-minute radius of major metropolitan areas. Within fifteen minutes of login, one of these “Field Engagement Specialists” will arrive at the player’s home, provided they do not live within 100 yards of a school zone.

Rockstar Games has already announced plans to follow suit with the long-awaited Grand Theft Auto VI. However, the fingering experience will be mandatory, with lubrication available as part of a seasonal Premium Pass for a smoother gaming experience.

“The roadmap is clear,” said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick, dipping a finger into an industrial-sized tub of KY Jelly. “By Q4 of 2026, we will be introducing a second finger. By the next console generation, we expect a full butt fucking will be the industry standard in AAA gaming.”

Despite widespread complaints, Black Ops 7 still boasts record-breaking preorder numbers, proving once again that gamers will endure almost anything as long as it comes with a free premium weapon skin.