TO: All Deep Estate Personnel
FROM: Office of Administrative Services
It has come to the Director’s attention that multiple employees have been submitting an “Official Hot Dog Requisition Form” (K-17HZ9) through the pneumatic tube network and receiving a hot dog approximately 5–10 minutes later.
Please note:
K-17HZ9 is not a recognized or authorized K-form configuration.
The Deep Estate DOES NOT contain a Hot Dog Department. All correspondence addressed to the Hot Dog Department is marked “undeliverable.” It remains in the mail room for 30 days before being incinerated.
Neither Food Services nor any other department has been authorized to manufacture, procure, or distribute hot dogs outside of the cafeterias.
The origin of these hot dogs remains unknown.
Testing by the Research Division has confirmed that the hot dogs are safe to eat. However, doing so is ill-advised.
Due to the hot dog’s unique properties, its internal temperature remains exactly 120°F at all times. This includes experiments in which the hot dog was submerged in liquid nitrogen or molten iron.
While the hot dog itself appears incapable of spoilage, do not store the remains of a hot dog in a refrigerator or freezer. The residual heat will increase the temperature inside the appliance, likely spoiling the food around it.
Additionally, Section 1-2 of the Hot Dog Requisition Form, which allows employees to select a beef, pork, or turkey hot dog, is also verifiably misleading. Regardless of the option selected, the same hot dog is received. While it is composed primarily of a processed substance resembling meat, DNA sequencing has failed to match the material to any known species.
It is unlikely that these hot dogs are Kosher or Halal.
The vegetarian option simply sends a bun without the hot dog.
Attempts have been made to stop distribution. Engineering traced the hot dogs to a point where the pneumatic tube emerged directly from a cement wall with no visible connecting pipe. The opening was capped and sealed with epoxy, and approximately one mile of tubing was subsequently removed.
Despite this, hot dogs continue to arrive through the pneumatic tube system several times each day.
The Bureau is aware that this memo will likely have little measurable effect on the growing popularity of Pneumatic Tube Hot Dogs. Continued consumption is not expressly forbidden. However, henceforth, any consumption will be undertaken at the employee’s own risk.
Thank you.
The following information is classified as INTERNAL USE ONLY. Duplication, transmission, or distribution outside the Deep Estate is strictly forbidden. Employees found in violation of the B.O.B. secrecy mandate, along with any and all unauthorized recipients, are subject to extreme rendition to an HR blacksite.