TO: All Deep Estate Personnel
FROM: Office of Administrative Services
It has come to the Director’s attention that a Ken Harry has escaped from Research and is currently somewhere within the Deep Estate.
As always, it is critical to keep in mind that Ken Harrys are non-violent and your safety is not at risk. However, despite their appearance, Ken Harrys are NOT human.
All Ken Harrys resemble the same 35-year-old Caucasian male with naturally blond hair and blue eyes. They are 5’11”, weigh 182 pounds, and naturally present wearing a white button-up shirt and brown slacks.
When confronted, a Ken Harry will attempt to initiate small talk. It typically presents with an upbeat attitude and prefers office aphorisms such as “Let’s touch base” or “Teamwork makes the dream work.”
Since today is Monday, a Ken Harry is extremely likely to complain that it is Monday and ask you about your weekend.
THE INCIDENT: At approximately 8:10 a.m., Ken Harry #4631 became aware that the date was August 10th and entered an agitated state, repeatedly expressing concern that he had forgotten to buy a birthday gift for his son, Timmy.
Again, Ken Harrys are not human. Timmy is not real, despite their ability to talk at length about their children and their tendency to produce a wallet containing a family photo.
Ken Harry #4631 escaped the laboratory to search for this gift. It is likely to still have IV and catheter lines attached, a shaved head, and surgical markings along the forehead and temple in preparation for its interrupted craniotomy.
IMPORTANT: Ken Harrys have a natural lifespan of approximately one 40-hour workweek. This particular Ken Harry has exceeded that limit and is now considered unstable.
If a Ken Harry appears pale, distressed, disoriented, or begins repeating office phrases with unusual urgency, the entity is highly likely to rupture. Employees must maintain a safe distance of at least 15 feet to avoid unnecessary staining of clothing.
If Ken Harry #4631 is spotted:
DO NOT remind Ken Harry that it is not human.
DO NOT say its trigger phrase: “You may clock out now, Ken.”
DO NOT ask Ken Harry when it last saw its family.
DO NOT inquire about its personal opinion regarding its pending craniotomy or live vivisection.
DO NOT suggest gift ideas for its nonexistent son.
DO attempt to reassure Ken Harry that stores are still open.
DO suggest busywork to keep it occupied, then notify Security of its location.
If possible, maintain visual contact from a safe distance until Security arrives.
We are aware that some employees have ethical and moral concerns regarding the use of Ken Harrys as live test subjects, unpaid temporary workers, and occasional manual labor.
Employees are welcome to submit all comments and complaints to the HR suggestion box.
Under no circumstances should employees attempt to hide Ken Harry #4631 or assist it in escaping the Deep Estate.
Thank you for your cooperation.
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘. 𝐃𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐨𝐫 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐛𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐄𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐛𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐧. 𝐄𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐁.𝐎.𝐁. 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞, 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬, 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐣𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧 𝐇𝐑 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞.