Christians Declare Charlie Kirk the Second Coming of Republican Jesus
Huckabee Schedules Apocalypse for Next Tuesday at 5 PM IDT
JERUSALEM— In the wake of conservative commentator Charlie Kirk’s assassination, leading evangelical figures have proclaimed him the Second Coming of Republican Christ and announced that the long-awaited apocalypse will commence next Tuesday, 5 p.m. Israel Daylight Time.
“Charlie died for our values,” said Ambassador Mike Huckabee, solemnly holding up a TP USA branded Bible. “If that’s not messianic, I don’t know what is.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu praised the declaration, adding, “Frankly, it makes liberals and trans people into the new Jews. I say throw in the Palestinians, and let the thousand-year war begin!”
Church officials admitted the apocalypse had originally been scheduled for last Thursday, but logistical complications delayed the ceremony. Israeli customs had erroneously flagged the ritual red heifer shipment as Gaza aid and immediately incinerated it with flame throwers.
"You can never be too careful with those sneaky Gazans. Luckily, we found a workaround,” Huckabee explained. “Trump’s landing in Jerusalem Tuesday anyway, and he’s an orange cow, which is basically red. Close enough. Revelations didn’t specify Pantone numbers.”
Apocalypse organizers confirmed Trump will be ceremonially paraded through the city gates as the “Orange Heifer of Revelation,” after which believers will ascend directly into heaven—though only those holding tickets to Turning Point USA’s upcoming conference will be let through the pearly gates.
Meanwhile, Republican leaders are rushing to finalize The Gospel of MAGA, a “New New Testament” that recasts Kirk as the conservative Christ figure they always wanted. Steven Bannon called it a "J.J. Abrams blend reboot. All fan service and no woke messaging."
In the Gospel, Kirk is shot by a trans Pontius Pilate, mocked by libs, betrayed by Groypers, and denied wall-to-wall coverage by CNN three times. The Sermon on the Mount has been replaced by the Sermon on the Pod, featuring Kirk and Ben Shapiro railing against loose women demanding reproductive rights.
“This is exactly what Charlie would have wanted,” said one evangelical leader. “Not to be remembered for who he was, but to be twisted into the perfect vessel for our agenda. And the beauty of him being the Second Coming is that he’s already dead. He can’t surprise us later by saying something unkosher like, ‘care for the poor’ or ‘heal the sick.’ Could you imagine? Frankly, unlike Charlie, we dodged a bullet.”