WASHINGTON — When asked about estimates of oil making it through the Strait of Hormuz Thursday, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth stunned reporters by abruptly pivoting to challenging conservative men to stop being “little beta pussies” about watching their wives sleep with other men.
“You know, a lot of guys online throw around the word ‘cuck’ like it’s an insult,” Hegseth said. “I’d actually argue that being a cuck is the ultimate form of masculinity.”
Cuckoldry traditionally refers to a man whose wife is unfaithful, as well as a distinct fetish in which a person derives arousal from watching their partner have sex with someone else.
“Think about it. Who’s more of a man? The guy who gets emotional because his wife was unfaithful, or the real warrior who stands six feet away, maintaining direct eye contact?”
Hegseth emphasized that the eye contact was essential.
“You don’t look at your wife. You don’t look at the floor. You look directly at him, man to man, and you give that warfighter a nod.”
Hegseth described resisting the urge to cry as “emotional endurance training,” arguing that a man who could maintain eye contact while his marriage was being “stress-tested at maximum load” would be substantially harder to intimidate in everyday life.
“Your eyes are going to water. Your lip might tremble. You’re going to hear the woman you love make sounds of pleasure she’s never made with you, and you’re going to realize everything she said about being ‘naturally quiet in bed’ and you being ‘the perfect size, not too big, not too small’ was a goddamn lie. You’re going to take all that and pack it down like a fucking man.”
A chair creaked audibly in the silence as a Fox News reporter shifted.
“And before anybody starts, no, it’s not gay,” Hegseth added, even though no reporter had suggested that it was. “There’s a woman involved. That’s what makes it straight. You can watch his muscles flex with each thrust and admire how they glisten because you personally rubbed him down with baby oil beforehand to get the full effect. Nothing is more heterosexual.”
He cleared his throat and added, “No homo.”
More silence followed from the press pool. Then Drop Site News co-founder Ryan Grim asked if Hegseth had considered issuing a formal apology for the February bombing of Shajareh Tayyebeh Elementary School in Minab, Iran, which killed 156 civilians, including 120 children and 26 teachers, noting that yesterday would’ve been their first day back at school.
“Yes, about that,” Hegseth said, nodding solemnly.
He then gestured toward the wings and invited his wife, Jennifer, onstage. Five unusually large Marines followed, carrying a white sectional couch. Jennifer took a seat behind her husband while the Marines silently formed behind her, recreating a tableau many reporters uncomfortably described as “if you know, you know.”
“Take a good look,” Hegseth said. “Most men see this and immediately feel threatened. Why are these guys so big? Why are they smiling? What did that man mean when he said, ‘Oh, girl… You know this cutie-pie ’bout to get a UTI all up in dat coochie!’ Those are beta questions.”
Hegseth then answered Grim’s follow-up question before it was asked.
“And yes, I had to do the voice. It doesn’t work without the voice.”
Grim put his hand down.
An AP reporter asked if it was true the military was critically low on interceptor missiles.
“Let me make this abundantly clear,” Hegseth said, banging on his podium. “Polyamory is when some guy named Ezra hides in the living room under his weighted blanket while his girlfriend explores her bisexuality. That’s not cucking. Poly people talk about feelings. Cucks wage war against them.”
When a BBC reporter desperately tried to ask a question about the Houthi rebels in Yemen, Hegseth nodded vigorously.
“See, this is why the only BBC I respect is the one railing my wife. Does anyone have questions about the art of cuckoldry?”
A reporter from The Washington Post asked if he was specifically ordering men in the U.S. military to be intimate with his wife while he watched.
Hegseth frowned. “What are you trying to get at?”
The reporter clarified that she was asking about consent.
Hegseth exploded.
“Consent? Consent!? These are United States Marines, lady! If the SecWar asks the ultimate warfighter to state your rank, length and girth, you don’t question your orders. You pull out the tailor’s tape and say, ‘Sir! Yes, sir!’”
One of the Marines standing behind Jennifer swallowed and stared silently into the middle distance.
“See that?” Hegseth said, pointing at him. “Professional.”