Groundbreaking Study Reveals Primary Cause Of Anxiety

Everyone Is Definitely Looking At You And Talking About You Later

For those who want aural pleasure:

BOSTON— In a discovery mental health experts are calling “simply revelatory,” a groundbreaking new Harvard study released Friday has confirmed that the leading cause of most anxiety disorders is that everyone is, in fact, staring at you and judging you.

The research, published in The Journal of Clinical Psychology, found that the persistent feeling of being observed, critiqued, and gossiped about is not a cognitive distortion, but an accurate assessment of reality.

“Our data shows that when you think people are whispering about your haircut, your voice, or the way you said ‘thanks’ just now; they absolutely are,” lead researcher Dr. Hannah Kim explained, noting that 92% of participants were the subject of private group chats by their friends and family, the contents of which would absolutely devastate their entire being if they were ever read by them.

“In short, everyone sees you, everyone has an opinion, and yes, they bring it up when you’re not around. For those that find the courage to speak up in a group setting, you should know that almost everyone listening thinks you're stupid and don't belong there.”

The study also found:

• 78% of overheard laughter is directed at you.

• People do remember that one awkward thing you said in 2008, and it still comes up at the parties you are not invited to.

• You are unqualified for your job, and everyone knows it.

“Therapists have spent decades reassuring patients that ‘nobody’s thinking about you as much as you think,’” Kim said. “Well, turns out that’s wrong. They are. Constantly. And your therapist is one of them. They love to tell all their other clients about your deepest insecurities and how you cry in that weird way where you scrunch up your entire face.”

The study serves as a follow-up to the 2017 government-funded schizophrenia project that determined 100% of participants were indeed being followed by the government.