Hillary Clinton Stuns Congress With Closed-Door Epstein Testimony: “I Was Going to Kill Him, But the Funniest Thing Happened.”
An Exclusive Report According To Those Inside The Room.
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Lawmakers were reportedly left speechless after Hillary Clinton delivered shockingly candid testimony in a closed-door Epstein hearing, allegedly beginning with the words, “Look, I was going to kill him, but the funniest thing happened.”
According to sources present in the room, Clinton calmly described sneaking into the federal detention center the night of Epstein’s death, dressed in a tactical pantsuit, “Something low-profile and feminine, but still powerful.”
“I get to the hallway outside his cell,” Clinton reportedly said, “and who do I bump into, but President Trump.”
The two allegedly froze.
“We sort of did that awkward side-step dance, about why we were there,” Clinton explained. “You know, ‘I’m just visiting a friend in a federal detention center in the dead of night. Please, you go first. No, you. Oh, I insist.’”
Clinton then reportedly shrugged, “Then Donald just came out and said, ‘I take it you’re cleaning up Bill’s mess again?’ And I took a stab and was like, ‘And you’re here to see a man about...”
“The girls.” Trump reportedly answered, “They were all my age, of course.”
The two then allegedly said in unison, “If you add them all up!” and broke into the knowing laugh of a shared inside joke. President Trump then wiped a tear from his eye and said, nodding, “Oh man, there were so many girls—too many girls, really.”
“And you can’t make this stuff up,” Hillary alleges, “We both went in to kill Jeffrey, only to find Bill Gates and Prince Charles already standing over the body! They immediately put their hands up and swore it wasn’t them. But then they saw who we were, and we realized why they were there. And honestly? We all started cracking up.”
Within minutes, additional prominent figures allegedly began trickling into the corridor, all intent on murdering Epstein. “Let’s see, there was Musk, Wexner, Thiel, Sergey, Bannon, Leon Black, Richard Branson, Ehud Barak, Ghislaine—Even Woody made an appearance. It was a full Lolita Island Boys reunion. The whole affair turned into a networking event for mutually assured destruction. People were hugging. Someone popped a bottle of champagne. Bubba was so jealous that he missed out on the ordeal.”
According to the testimony, the group briefly debated attempting to identify who had actually gotten there first. “But after a while,” Hillary reportedly concluded, “we all agreed: Screw it! The problem was solved.”
No member of Congress has yet to comment on the testimony. One congressional aide, speaking off the record, admitted, “I wouldn’t hold your breath on getting anything official. Outside of Woody Allen, every single person Clinton named is a major donor bankrolling both parties.”
Update (10 AM EST): Congress has just released the official transcript of the testimony. It consists of 312 pages of solid black rectangles and a single unredacted line from Clinton, “All I can say is that I didn’t kill him.”