Israel Launches Space Laser, Dares World To Point Out They’re Doing Exactly What They’re Doing
JERUSALEM— The IDF launched a massive orbital space laser this week, daring the international community to say anything about it without sounding like Marjorie Taylor Greene on bath salts. Israeli Officials described the laser as a “purely defensive measure,” meant to vaporize Gazans from orbit with zero repercussions whatsoever.
CNN attempted to carefully broach the subject, opening their coverage by reminding viewers that “genocide is bad, unless you’re talking about Gaza, in which case it’s not genocide, so it’s neither good nor bad and CNN does not have an opinion on it.” Wolf Blitzer then got as far as, “So there’s this laser—” before immediately running screaming from the building.
AIPAC quickly praised the orbital system, releasing a statement that read: *“*Yes, the space laser is also capable of altering global weather patterns. So go on. Say it. Tell us who controls the weather. We dare you.” At which point, Fox News and MSNBC both dropped coverage, unwilling to go near the story with a ten-foot pole.
Later that day, AIPAC was spotted handing out space laser talking points to several prominent congressmen, along with a cartoonishly oversized bag of money bearing a giant green dollar sign. When asked to comment on AIPAC’s power over congress, Senator Cory Booker visibly swallowed and stammered, “Cah-Comment on w-w-what? On who controls Congress? Only if you say it first.”
After a long silence, both the senator and reporter turned and walked away in opposite directions.
“You can criticize Israel all you want,” said AIPAC president Elliot Brandt, “but if you criticize Israel in a way that is correct, specific, and reflects what Israel is actually doing, then you’ve crossed the line into antisemitic hate speech. And no, that is not by design.”
“Oh, it’s totally by design,” said Ari Goldman, a random Jewish man we found to say the thing we’re all thinking, but won’t dare say out loud. “It’s crazy how much they’re getting away with it.”
This move is only the latest in a long line of instances where Israel and its lobbying groups seem to intentionally act out antisemitic stereotypes in real time. For example, when TikTok recently hired a former IDF officer to oversee its hate speech division, critics tied themselves in knots trying to tactfully address it.
“We want to be clear,” said David Kline of the Digital Rights Alliance**.** “We’re saying that an Israeli woman is controlling speech on a major social media platform specifically for the benefit of her country, Israel. Please, for the love of God, do not twist this into something else.”
When asked to follow up on his comments about “Jews controlling the media”, representatives from the Digital Rights Alliance informed us that Mr. Kline was no longer employed by the organization.
As of writing, TikTok's moderation team has since flooded feeds with Mossad-approved content, insisting Gazan children aren’t being bombed; they’re simply “so consumed by hate they spontaneously combust.”
“We’re trapped in an impossible rhetorical position,” complained one U.N. diplomat. “Israel launches a space laser, and if I describe that literally, I sound like a 4chan post. When we say they intentionally withhold aid from Palestinians, they accuse us of calling them 'stingy' and it's a whole...thing.”
At a press conference, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu dismissed accusations while absentmindedly stroking a cat and swiveling in a high-backed chair. “We are simply ensuring our interests are protected with our Joint Earth Weapon for International Security and Harmony.”
“It’s the J.E.W.I.S.H. Space Laser?” moaned Pete Buttigieg. “Oh goddammit.”