WASHINGTON, D.C.— After years of dismissing the “Twitter Files” as a nothingburger, liberals across the country reportedly froze in horror this week as it dawned on them: oh shit, that federal social media watchdog thing is still around.
“At first, I thought, well, who cares if they’re shadowbanning a few COVID cranks and election deniers?” said one Brooklyn woman, staring into the middle distance as a plate slipped from her hand and shattered on the kitchen floor. “But then it hit me. Oh God. The COVID cranks and election deniers are the ones in charge now.”
The realization rippled outward in real time.
In Chicago, a progressive activist blew through a red light, muttering, “What are they doing with it? They gotta be doing something with it.” In Portland, a man reading the news dropped his oat milk latte so violently that it drenched his entire flannel shirt. Growing frantic, he added: “JESUS, FUCK! They built entire departments within multiple agencies, each one led by some career-hungry middle manager. Those kinds of things don’t go away.”
Experts explained that the system—initially justified as a way to target election deniers and COVID skeptics—had quietly expanded to flag, throttle, and deplatform at scale. The point, they said, was never to make it smaller.
“Liberals shrugged because they trusted the hall monitors,” said one digital rights analyst. “But hall monitors graduate. Now the bullies are in charge, and they’ve got the clipboard.”
Online, panic spread as users suddenly reevaluated their past smugness. “Lol another Matt Taibbi nothingburger,” one liberal had tweeted in 2022. This week, he reportedly bolted awake at 3 a.m. screaming, “THEY HAVE ACCESS TO FACEBOOK’S DEDICATED WEB PORTAL!”
One Black Lives Matter activist admitted the problem was hiding in plain sight. “ICE sodomized a man with a club—in the ass, you hear me? I mean, straight up the butt. It's on video, from multiple angles. Only three people showed up for the last protest, and I thought something was seriously fucked. Where is everybody? Then I remember those Twitter files and was like, ‘Oh shit. Is that why no one is engaging with me?’ Do people even know what's happening?"
On Capitol Hill, aides confirmed that Senator Cory Booker went pale during an Agriculture committee hearing. He slowly undid his tie and whispered, “Dear Lord, what have we done?” Witnesses say Booker then stripped to his underwear, waded into the Reflecting Pool, and shouted, “WAKE UP! They have AI now! AI, people! Think of the Orwellian shit they could do with AI!”
At press time, sources confirmed the White House had assured citizens the system was only being used to maintain “healthy discourse,” which caused thousands more liberals to simultaneously faint, urinate, and walk glassy-eyed into traffic.