Mark Zuckerberg Clarifies Instagram Nipple Policy
Accidentally Prompting Questions About Whether He’s Ever Actually Seen One
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MENLO PARK, CA— Seeking to address “ongoing confusion” over Meta’s nudity rules, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg on Tuesday clarified the platform’s nipple policy in a statement that explained certain standards while raising new questions about whether he understands what women’s nipples are at all.
Zuckerberg began by acknowledging the logical inconsistencies in Instagram and Facebook’s approach, which allows a heavyset man with breasts larger than many women to post shirtless without issue, yet bans an image of a woman’s chest regardless of bust size. He clarified that it’s not about the breast area. It’s about the female nipple, and only the female nipple.
“It makes sense when you think of a trans man. He can post a shirtless photo after top surgery because those are now man nipples,” Zuckerberg said, “but if he posted those nipples before transitioning? That’s a ban, obviously. I know people would say, ‘but they’re the exact same nipples.’ No, they’re not. Those are girl nipples, and our policy is designed to ensure community comfort and safety from female nipples.”
When asked to elaborate on the distinction, Zuckerberg offered: “Because they’re nipples. On a woman. Need I say more?”
“Yes,” a reporter replied. “Please say more.”
Zuckerberg hesitated, fiddled with the cap of his water bottle, and finally said he has “always maintained a cautious, respectful distance from female nipples. There’s a reason why women keep them restrained by a bra, right? God forbid they get loose.”
He then barked out a long nervous laugh in front of the confused audience.
Asked if he has ever seen a woman’s breasts, Zuckerberg replied that he has seen “a statistically average amount of breasts” in his lifetime, adding, “For a man. Which I am. A fully adult human man. A manly man.”
When a reporter followed up to ask if he was just making that up, the CEO said, “Fine. I tried to see them once, but the HBO and Cinemax channels are password locked, okay?”
He was then ushered offstage by handlers, who comforted the billionaire, agreeing that female nipples were “icky” and that they would protect him from any “booby cooties.”