LANCASTER, PA— After decades of digital hostility, humanity has finally achieved a lasting peace online by redirecting all internet vitriol toward a single target: the Amish, who have absolutely no idea it’s happening.
Researchers say it wasn’t easy finding a universally acceptable group to hate. “We tried Mormons, but they’re just too nice. They don’t fight back, they just smile and then you feel like an asshole, and not in a fun way,” explained conflict analyst Dr. Angela Meyers. “Laplanders seemed promising. They’re an obscure white minority that herd reindeer, but then someone pointed out they’d been historically oppressed, so that was a no-go. Gingers came closest. Since there are Black and Asian gingers, it wasn’t really a race thing, which is a plus. But the ginger community turned out to be surprisingly organized, issuing a fatwa and beheading three trolls before we shut that experiment down.”
That left the Amish: white enough to dodge oppression caveats, insular enough not to notice, and beardy enough to be funny looking.
The Amish, still blissfully unaware of the billions of jokes being made at their expense every day, continue to go about their lives. One reporter tracked down Jebidiah Stoltzfus, local elder horse-fucker, for comment. “They said what now?” he replied, looking confused while whittling a stupid stick. “What’s a Reddit?”
Across social media platforms, new communities have flourished under the common banner of hating the Amish. TikTok creators rack up millions of views mocking bonnets, buggies, and barns. Even the most toxic YouTubers are finding common ground. “Normally, I just bitch about Black hobbits or strong female characters,” explained YouTuber MrBoobGuy69. “Ever since I started hating on the Amish, I’ve actually started enjoying movies again. I mean, have you seen the all-girl remake of Ghostbusters? It’s actually pretty funny.”
“Best of all, the Amish are impervious to hacking, doxxing, swatting, and revenge porn,” explained Dr. Meyers. “You can’t swat a guy whose only address is ‘the red barn past Eli’s place.’”
As of writing, most attempts to send death threats fizzled after users admitted they “weren’t sure how postage stamps work.”
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