WASHINGTON, D.C.— While inspecting the ongoing cleanup, President Donald Trump collapsed into a state of profound grief after discovering a dead duckling floating in the algae-plagued Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.
Reporters say the president was mid-rant when he spotted the small yellow body drifting near the shoreline. He trailed off and let out a low, trembling moan.
Pushing reporters aside, Trump waded into the pool and dropped to his knees in the waist-deep water. Cradling the duckling against his chest, the president began loudly sobbing and demanding to know who was responsible.
A shaken representative of the National Parks Service replied, “You ordered us to dump chemicals in, sir… to kill the algae.”
And for the first time in recorded history, Trump did not try to downplay, lie, or blame someone else. In a move that has left the entire political world shaken to its very core, President Donald Trump did the unthinkable:
He took full responsibility.
“What have I done?” Trump cried. “Oh God. What have I done?”
Administration officials described the scene as unprecedented, given his usual sociopathic response to death and destruction.
“When we told him we’d bombed a school in Tehran, he just blinked, then asked if anyone in the room saw that morning’s Fox and Friends,” said one unnamed official. “175 people died, mostly children, and all he wanted was the name of ‘the blondie next to Doocy.’ Then one baby duck dies and he’s openly weeping for days.”
Sources say that when Stephen Miller allegedly referred to the duckling as “just a bird,” the president hurled his phone across the room, striking his advisor in the eye. Trump then berated Miller with such intensity that Miller reportedly required a change of trousers. While other outlets have independently verified the claim to be true, it remains unclear whether Miller voided his bladder or his bowels, with some sources suggesting a combination of the two.
When asked to comment on the president’s apparent grief, Melania Trump told reporters: “When you look into the eyes of Donald, you know who you are.” Her trademark monotone left many wondering if it was a statement or a plea for help. “We are all meat to those eyes. He will consume us all. But not the baby ducks. Never the baby ducks.”
“I was there the first time he saw the video of that ICE shooting.” said White House Director of Communications Dan Scavino. “We had to stop him from rating it five stars on Letterboxd. But this duck? I don’t know what the hell is going on.”
Over the years, aides say they have come to rely on the president remaining largely unfazed by human suffering. Now the administration worries that what they call “the duck situation” might be some troubling form of human empathy.
“We’ve come to expect him to glaze over casualty estimates. We always figured the numbers were just too big for him to visualize,” said one Pentagon official. “Hundreds dead? Thousands? Doesn’t move the needle. But one dead duck and the whole machine grinds to a halt.”
“I just want my president back,” said a bereft Pete Hegseth. “The one who’d watch a drone strike while sucking the meat off a KFC drumstick. Now we have to send the EPA to do an environmental report on the Area of Operation before he’ll greenlight an op. He won’t move until there’s a guarantee there are no ducks in the area.”
Many analysts now believe Iran’s surging imports of Peking ducks from China are the primary motivation behind most of the United States’ recent concessions. Every strategic bombing location is now reportedly ringed with hundreds of waddling birds.
“Supreme Leader Khamenei was walking around right in the open. We could’ve taken him out and ended the regime right there,” complained Benjamin Netanyahu. “But the bastard was openly taunting us with a duckling in each hand, and President Trump said ‘no.’ Swore he’d turn Tel Aviv into a crater if we hurt those damn ducks.”
Cabinet officials reportedly reached out to psychologists, family, and close associates in an attempt to understand why this particular death has left the president immobilized. Many responded that one cannot become close to a void. All who glimpse the thing beneath the mask return diminished. To feel your own soul wither in his presence is to understand a darkness older than the nameless ones.
“Yeah. He never liked cats, or dogs, or kids. Even his own children,” Ivanka Trump reportedly told aides. “Basically, anything that requires you to be capable of love and affection. Ducks were the only exception.”
Internet sleuths have pointed to a portion of Michael Wolff’s interviews with Jeffrey Epstein—Trump’s self-described “ride or die bestie bitch”—as a potential clue.
“Anything duck-related, Donald would get that look, like you just hit a traumatic core memory, you know?” explained Epstein. “And believe me, I know childhood trauma. It’s kind of my whole brand.”
During the G7 conference, the president appeared to hint at a possible childhood source of the fixation. “They used to call me Donald Duck,” Trump said unexpectedly to the British PM. “And kids can be very cruel. Very cruel.”
The president then fell silent. When reporters pressed for details, Trump stared off into the distance before quietly adding: “My father handled it.”
The White House later declined to elaborate.
At press time, the duckling was lying in state beneath the Capitol Rotunda, and flags nationwide remain at half-staff.
Utter delight!