WASHINGTON, D.C.— Investigative journalist Ronan Farrow has reportedly spent the past six days sitting in a folding chair outside the apartment of 35-year-old Trump aide Natalie Harp, patiently waiting for the moment she is finally ready to tell the world the horrors she’s endured.
Farrow has assured Harp there is “absolutely no pressure,” periodically sliding his business card beneath her door and reminding her that The New Yorker has already cleared space for 12,000 words and the deadline is fast approaching.
Harp, who serves as executive assistant to President Donald Trump, has repeatedly insisted that nothing inappropriate has happened, is happening, or will ever happen, which sparked a vigorous online discourse about the severity of her trauma from all the things that have obviously happened.
“‘Believe All Women’ means we should take any woman coming forward with reports of sexual assault and harassment seriously,” said one person on X. “But when Natalie Harp says Trump hasn’t digitally penetrated her with those bruised, meaty paws of his? No, I don’t believe her. I don’t believe her at all.”
Many users echoed the same sentiment, arguing, “She’s blonde, and it’s Trump. Come on.”
CNN spent much of Friday speculating about her nickname, “The Human Printer.”
“Anyone who owns an HP printer knows the trauma of a one-sided toxic relationship,” said Van Jones. “I shudder to think what he’s doing to her to earn that name.”
The parallels to the Monica Lewinsky scandal proved impossible for MSNBC to resist, despite the absence of a scandal. Simply having Monica Lewinsky, however, proved more than enough.
“All I will say is that I know what happened when I was alone in the Oval Office with the President of the United States,” Monica Lewinsky said via Zoom on Rachel Maddow. “Need I say more?”
At which point, Fox News switched to wall-to-wall coverage that “Monica Lewinsky has more to say,” hoping to change the subject to the 28-year-old affair.
Yesterday, Time’s Up, a prominent anti-sexual-harassment and women’s advocacy organization, issued a press release saying, “Trump is the President of the United States. Harp is his employee. The power imbalance is impossible to ignore. We take all allegations seriously and find the complete lack of allegations enough to warrant a thorough investigation. At the minimum, there’s been some Biden-style hair sniffing.”
As Harp left for work this morning, Ronan Farrow could be seen calling out, “Denial is often part of the process, but we’re here for you! Whether it’s a Pulitzer-winning tell-all, a New York Times bestseller, or even a podcast series with a future Netflix adaptation.”
Public polling suggests most Americans have already adopted a broadly sympathetic view of Harp. Unsurprisingly, those who find no issue with Harp’s exploitation are Trump’s steadfast MAGA base, Bill Cosby, and Harvey Weinstein.
Even routine footage of Harp performing her job has become increasingly difficult for viewers to watch.
“I saw her hand him an article yesterday,” said Pennsylvania voter Denise Waller. “He didn’t even thank her. And then she just stood there, smiling. I just wanted to reach through the television and drag her somewhere safe. There are shelters, honey. I will take you there personally.”
“Natalie is an accomplished professional who has never alleged misconduct of any kind,” said a White House spokesperson, brazenly enabling the continued exploitation and human trafficking of another woman trapped within Trump’s orbit.
“I am not being exploited, and I am not being trafficked,” Harp later said when asked for comment. She then clarified, “Except for the one time they shoved me in the trunk of that SUV. Or that time they stuffed me in that catering truck. Also that week I spent sleeping in a Bedminster locker room.”
Experts note that victims frequently minimize their circumstances, and in Natalie Harp’s case, signs of trafficking can sometimes include a six-figure salary, regular appearances on OAN, and continued employment in a job they actively sought.
On Sunday, Trump advocates took to the airwaves to defend the president.
“It is physically impossible for the President to commit sexual assault,” shouted Stephen Miller on Fox News. “To be in his presence is to understand his glory. That’s consent. Frankly, he should sign an executive order reinstating Prima Nocta.”
Sources said Trump appeared strangely invigorated by the nonexistent scandal, repeatedly asking aides whether reporters were still “talking about the thing with the blonde.”
“He’s an eighty-year-old man,” said one unnamed aide, ”The rumors make him feel like a virile young rapist again.”
Today, Ronan Farrow reportedly left a rough draft of his New Yorker article in Natalie Harp’s mailbox with a note saying all she had to do was fill in the blanks:
“On ______ (date), Donald Trump ______ (verb) my ______ (body part) in the ______ (location).”
“She’ll speak her truth eventually,” Farrow said confidently. “Or she’ll get a cushy time slot on Fox News. Only time will tell.”
At press time, Trump had reportedly begun responding to the allegations of the allegations, posting to X multiple times in one hour, denying impropriety and labeling any claim a “Fake News Witch Hunt.”
Users were quick to pin a community note to each of the president’s posts, linking to the infamous Access Hollywood tape, where he bragged on a hot microphone that fame allowed him to “grab ’em by the pussy.”
While there is currently no allegation that President Trump has handled Natalie Harp by vulva, the White House has yet to confirm or deny that such an assault took place.
The silence is stunning.