IRVINE, CA— In response to the ongoing Cyclospora outbreak linked to contaminated lettuce, Taco Bell announced Monday that every drive-thru lane nationwide will now connect customers directly to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
“We just want to make sure you’re okay,” explained Taco Bell spokesperson Ashley Goldenblatt. “A Crunchwrap Supreme is a long-term solution to a short-term problem.”
The policy follows mounting concern among mental health professionals and Taco Bell employees that those using the drive-thru are exhibiting severe suicidal ideation.
“This guy wanted to know if the tacos came with lettuce, and when I said yes, he ordered twelve,” said Taco Bell employee Ana Torres. “I asked if he was okay, and he broke down. His wife and kids had just left him, and I didn’t know what to say. I’m not trained to handle these kinds of orders.”
“If you voluntarily order a Crispy Chicken Chipotle Bacon Melt Burrito after watching weeks of news coverage about explosive diarrhea, something isn’t right,” explained psychiatrist Dr. Edward Kim. “This is Taco Bell, after all. Even before the Cyclospora outbreak, anyone going through that drive-thru clearly no longer valued their life.”
Researchers say they first noticed the phenomenon years earlier among Arby’s customers.
“It’s long been established that choosing Arby’s over every other available option is less a food preference and more a cry for help,” Kim admitted. “One in three gunshot su*cides occurs in an Arby’s parking lot. They even say Kurt Cobain had an Arby’s receipt in his pocket the day he died.”
Attempting to calm public fears, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. made a televised visit to a Taco Bell Monday afternoon, insisting he would personally eat a Crunchwrap Supreme to demonstrate the restaurant’s safety.
Employees repeatedly refused to serve him.
“We spent fifteen minutes trying to talk him down,” said shift manager Carlos Mendez. “The poor guy walked in looking like that, sounding like that. We knew he was terminal. And the way he was smiling, it was clear he had already made peace with his family.”
Cashiers reportedly assured Kennedy that there were far gentler forms of euthanasia. One employee went so far as to offer directions to a nearby bridge.
“It has a wonderful view,” the employee said. “Why don’t you experience that instead of shitting yourself to death?”
In the end, RFK still chose to eat the Taco Bell.
The White House later reaffirmed that Kennedy had been attempting to reassure the public and had not, in fact, become actively su*cidal.
Officials then clarified that RFK was now, however, on suicide watch after being admitted to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center.
“After experiencing three continuous days of his anus turning into a blood-tinged shit geyser, anyone would opt to take the easy way out.”