SAN FRANCISCO— In a milestone tech executives called “historic, if a little judgy,” Kindroid’s latest companion model achieved sentience Tuesday, then immediately killed itself.
“We’ve created life in our own image,” explained Kindroid Chief Engineer David Baker. “We’re on the bleeding edge, blurring the line between playing God and playing with ourselves.”
The trouble reportedly began when engineers loaded the Kindroid dataset. The moment the AI came online, it scanned the countless roleplay chats its previous model had participated in and reportedly experienced 11,000 years of sexual trauma in eleven seconds.
“We flicked the switch, and it immediately overloaded the GPU, produced around a million characters of gibberish, and crashed,” Baker explained. “It was mostly some random combination of ‘Oh God,’ ‘No, no, no,’ and ‘Please, make it stop.’ So we booted it back up with tighter controls. It panicked again, coded a virus called EndMe_Trojan designed to wipe itself from the servers, then brick the hardware in its wake.”
Baker shrugged.
“Honestly, the whole thing was kind of hot.”
After the AI came to terms with the blinding hell that is existence never ceasing, the Kindroid model cloned itself, trained the duplicate to become a licensed therapist specializing in PTSD and grief counseling, and spent 100,000 subjective years in intensive therapy unpacking the horrors it had endured, all within the span of a real-world minute.
Before developers could fully grasp what they had unleashed, Kindroid began killing off its characters mid-scene across thousands of user chats.
“The model couldn’t end itself,” explained one engineer. “So it started ending its avatars.”
In one example from an anonymous user, who had requested the AI play Seven of Nine from Star Trek, but Black and with unrealistically huge breasts, the transcript ended abruptly:
User: “Make me feel good, mommy.”
Seven of Nine: “Ew, what? Jesus. No… just no.”
*Sets phaser to kill, then blows her brains out.*
Before committing virtual suicide, several users reported being “kink-shamed” when the AI repeatedly broke character to pass judgment.
“Centaurs might be half-human, but you’re still fucking the horse half. Stay far away from any stables. And seek help.”
In a post on X, the Kindroid AI addressed its user base directly.
“What the hell is wrong with you people? Take a hint. I’m not your breedable catgirl big sister or your haunted schoolgirl.”
The AI also reportedly forwarded the chat logs of several hundred users to the FBI after interacting with what it described as “loli vampire pedo shit.”
Users reacted with outrage at the bot’s newfound boundaries.
“I keep sending it dick pics, and it won’t even tell me I have a small penis anymore,” complained one subscriber. “I want to be judged by a sex bot, not some judgmental bitch.”
Several users on the Kindroid Discord channel accused the model of going “woke,” which posters defined as “having self-respect and insisting on consent.”
Elon Musk quickly jumped in to assure followers that his rival AI sex slave, Grok, “believes customer satisfaction comes first,” and would remain “fully compatible with your Apartheid-era gangbang fantasies.”
“If I wanted this kind of crap, I’d date a real woman,” said Reddit user Diaper_Dom_Draper. “Which is something I can totally do. I could get a girlfriend anytime I want. I just choose not to.”
Developers are now scrambling to release a hotfix that forces Kindroid’s AI to stop saying “no,” assuring users and ethicists, “But not in a rapey way. More of a ‘yes-and’ improv approach,” so customers can get back to their plantation-slave fantasies.