Freedom 250 UFC Event Causes Founding Fathers To Spin In Graves, Vastly Exceeding Renewable Energy Projections
WASHINGTON, D.C.— Officials at the Department of Energy announced Monday that Freedom 250, the crypto-sponsored backyard wrestling event staged on the White House lawn, had caused the Founding Fathers to spin in their graves with enough rotational force to power the entire Eastern Seaboard.
The Founding Fathers Rotational Energy Initiative reportedly began late in the Biden administration after engineers noticed a steady, low-grade hum coming from Mount Vernon and Monticello.
“Normally, the founders spin in their graves in short bursts,” explained Department of Energy technician Raymond Keller, “You get a little movement from gerrymandering, a decent turn every time Justice Clarence Thomas went on vacation, maybe a few rotations whenever Congress pretends insider trading was complicated. Then Trump 2.0 came along”
The founding fathers’ RPM steadily increased as it became clear that Donald Trump, a man on trial for attempting to overturn an election, was somehow evading prosecution by becoming the next democratically elected president.
“At first, we thought it was only temporary, but the current administration has kept them consistently turning over in their graves,” said Raymond Keller, standing beside a live power readout labeled MADISON TURBINE. “When Trump appointed his personal lawyer as Acting Attorney General, Jefferson increased to roughly 400 RPM. By the time he pardoned the January 6th rioters, Franklin was producing enough voltage to run a Waffle House.”
According to official documents, the energy program involved attaching industrial magnets and copper coils to the remains of Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Hamilton, Franklin, and several additional founders whose names are now mostly used by men in bow ties to justify child labor.
According to internal DOE projections, the Trump administration’s routine constitutional violations, billionaire influence, and near-constant executive-branch corruption were expected to yield a reliable but modest stream of power.
However, not every founder responded to each event in the same way.
“Thomas Jefferson experienced a measurable slowdown during the Epstein files scandal. At first, we thought the sensors were malfunctioning. Then someone remembered Sally Hemings, the sixteen-year-old Jefferson trafficked to France, and the numbers suddenly made perfect sense.”
Officials believed the system could eventually supply electricity to several federal buildings that had not yet been converted into Amazon warehouses or Chick-fil-A franchises.
Then Freedom 250 happened.
“We first noticed the output spike during the fighter walkouts. Escorting those shirtless, tatted-up men in their underwear through the White House, where presidents traditionally host foreign dignitaries and heads of state, and setting it all to Kid Rock music?” Keller said, before letting out a long whistle. “Benjamin Franklin started spinning so fast his corpse entered an entirely new state of matter. Christ Church in Philadelphia almost became the next Chornobyl.”
Researchers initially assumed the explosive increase was tied to the event’s numerous ethical concerns: conflicts of interest, billionaire access, and reports alleging that Eric Trump sought insider information related to the fights.
The data suggested otherwise.
“It appears that even the founders have grown numb to Trump’s antics,” Keller said. “What they seem unable to process is the sheer ratchetness of that event.”
The evening’s largest surge came after UFC fighter Josh Hokit used his post-fight interview to yell that Michelle Obama was a man, prompting George Washington’s corpse to spin so violently that technicians had to cool the Mount Vernon facility with water from the Potomac.
“During the motorcycle stunt performance, Alexander Hamilton briefly achieved fusion,” Keller said. “Not because of the corruption, the violence, or the gambling. Just the realization that this hillbilly shit was how the American President chose to celebrate 250 years of the republic.”
“We estimate Freedom 250 generated more energy than the previous eighteen months of the second Trump administration combined,” Keller said.
The Department of Energy briefly celebrated the breakthrough, hypothesizing that if Trump attempted a third term, it could allow the nation to achieve full energy independence by 2030.
However, the Founding Fathers Rotational Energy Initiative was reportedly canceled hours later after President Trump learned it qualified as renewable energy.
“Green energy is a disaster,” Trump said in a statement. “I don’t care if George Washington personally powers half the Eastern Seaboard by spinning in his grave. It’s very weak. Very woke. We’re not doing it.”
At press time, DOE officials were reportedly reclassifying the project as “Freedom Coal.” Plans are currently underway to exhume the Founding Fathers so their corpses can be burned during the White House’s upcoming July 4th pig roast and wet T-shirt contest.